my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Three (Page 41)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  38  39  40  41  42  43  44  ...  116  117  118

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:23 AM                        Rated G Gerry I went to the ballet last night and I saw girls dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller girls?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:34 AM                        Rated G A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes. ... They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:29 AM                        Rated G Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? A: They're so wrapped up in themselves... Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo. Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because people are dying to get in. Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind. Q: How do you fix a jack-o'-lantern? A: With a pumpkin patch. Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? A: To see if she was his type. Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood? A: In law school... Q: Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? A: He was dead on his feet. Q: What subject in school do witches like best? A: Spelling Q: Why didn't the skeleton go trick or treating? A: He had no body to go with. Q: Whom did the ghost invite to his party? A: Anyone he could dig up. Q: Where do ghosts go shopping? A: In Boo-tiques. Q: What do little ghosts drink? A: Evaporated milk. Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with booberries. Q: What's soft, moldy and flies? A: A spoiled bat. Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A: A dead ringer. Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A: A holy terror. Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf? A: You'd get a harewolf. Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!" Q:Why was the ghost arrested? A:Because it had no haunting license!! Q: What did the ghost shake at the party? A: Her boooo-ty Q. How did the monster like his eggs? A. Terri-fried.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated R The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well it's like this, Sheriff.. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And here I am.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 09:16 PM                        Rated G Heard on WCBS radio, New York: A blind man was arrested for "driving without a license" after the car he was driving crashed into a tree. He explained to police that this was the fulfillment of one of his "lifelong dreams:" to drive an automobile. Apparently he had fulfilled another of his lifelong dreams the preceding weekend: to play outfield for the New York Yankees.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:22 AM                        Rated G REJECTED CRAYON COLOR NAMES Clumsy Black And Blue I Just Got My Blood Drawn Gray Saw Grandpa's Ghost Wet Spot Yellow Three Months In Back Of Fridge Fuzzy White Red Shirt In The White Laundry Pink Hurricane Blew Furball Beige Stayed On The Beach Too Long Red Oil Spill Black Boy Am I Embarrassed Is My Face Red? Two Month Old Pumpkin Old Hippy Hair Gray Frostbite Black Something The Dog Ate Brown Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:24 AM                        Rated G GROANERS Aspirin goes a long way back. I read in the Bible the other day that Moses took two tablets. I bought a book about centipedes. It was mostly footnotes. Did I tell you about the Hollywood chicken? It crossed the road to see Gregory Peck. Then there was the seamstress who lost her cat. She let it out. Is a sleeping bag a nap sack? If you cross a chicken with a cow will you get roost beef? Finally, there was the clumsy bee who came down with a cold. As determined as ever, however, the bee gathered its pollen, only to drop it time and time again, so it had to visit quite a few flowers before it was able to hold on to the pollen. Sadly, though, it spread its illness to every single flower. That became known as the blight of the fumble bee.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:27 AM                        Rated G What do you get when you goose a ghost?? * A hand full of sheet *  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-02-2005 05:17 PM                        Rated G..... A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the black hills of South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." "Then I yelled, ' Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:39 AM                        Rated G A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:55 AM                        Rated G Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question: "No, not to Stevie Wonder." "No hablo ingles." "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won." "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity." "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:57 AM                        Rated G Middle age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:05 PM                        Rated G "I like everything about fall. For example, I like Oktober- fest. On my way to work my cab driver had pretzels in his turban." --Dave Letterman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:07 PM                        Rated G Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" "Autumn," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2005 08:11 AM                        Rated G One Liners Marriage is like a tango... it takes two, and occasionally one has to bend over backward to keep the dance going. There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 118 pages: 1  2  3  ...  38  39  40  41  42  43  44  ...  116  117  118

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.