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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 03:07 PM                        Rated G A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?" The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please." "Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need a television."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 03:11 PM                        Rated G Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents. "Take it to the police station," her mother suggested. My friend was about to hang up when her mom added.... "And, Carol?" "Yes, mom?" "Call them first and let them know you're coming."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 03:14 PM                        Rated G B.B. As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 08:28 AM                        Rated G B.B. Question: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: All invented by women.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 08:47 AM                        Rated G Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about thirty minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 11:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 05:36 AM                        Rated G Betsy Most airports make the passengers walk a long way to get to the plane. That's so the luggage will get a head start.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 05:40 AM                        Rated G A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor immigrant with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't think so, mister, it don't look good," and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "No better not, it don't look too good." On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man said well OK, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, and it galloped away right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 05:51 AM                        Rated G Bruce Late Night[/b] "Today NASA launch it first ever mission to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil. Did you know there was oil on Pluto?" --Jay Leno "Well, I hope tonight's show turns out better than last night's show. Oh my God, halfway through last night's show, Judge Alito's wife ran out in tears." --David Letterman "That night is the most romantic we guys get. I remember when I asked my wife to marry me, I got down on my knee and I was shaking a little stick and I went, 'Ooops, that's not the color we're looking for, is it, Honey?' I get teary-eyed just thinking about it." --Jack Coen My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ---Emo Philips  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 09:04 AM                        Rated G Popo I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'park'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 09:27 AM                        Rated G At boy scout camp, the counselor noticed an umbrella neatly packed inside the bedroll of a young scout. Since an umbrella was not considered a required item, the counselor mentioned that it wasn't necessary. "Sir," sighed the young scout, "did you ever have a mother?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 11:04 AM                        Rated G Cutie pa2ti Crazy Colors (or Hue Must Be Nuts!) What color is a marriage? Wed. What color is an echo? YELL-oohhhhhhh! What color is a ghost? Boo. What color is a baby ghost? Baby boo. What color is a kitten's meow? Purr-ple. What color is a soccer score? Goaled! What color is a police investigation? Copper. What color is a witch's potion? Bracken brew. What color is the wind? Blew.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2006 01:03 PM                        Rated G B.B. TOP TIPS FOR LIFE Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2006 07:27 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti My boyfriend is shorter than I am, and we were talking about sports, and just out of the blue, I said, "When you were in grade school, did you play midget football?" He got really mad and said, What?" and I said, "Well, it's not like I said, 'Did you play football, midget?'" ~Laura Kightlinger~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2006 08:07 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti "My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar." "Did he ever get one?" "Yeah, then it ate her up!"  |  IP: Logged

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