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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Three Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 07:38 AM                        Rated G Quirk Maybe carrots will give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me long floppy ears?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 07:41 AM                        Rated G B.B. MORE GOOD GROANERS Boxers never sleep in. They like to get up before ten. Is it okay to get lip service at the cosmetic shop? If you made a boat out of stone, would it be a hardship? Do exotic dancers need dress rehearsals? If you ride in a small, cramped airplane, do you suffer jet leg? My daughter studies her arithmetic all the time. She's a real mathochist. Is a Certified Public Accountant merely a figurehead? Is bulldozing another word for falling asleep during a political speech? ~ edited by M. Raymond~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:25 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be." --Douglas Pagels  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:27 AM                        Rated G I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on. - Beryl Pfizer  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:21 AM                        Rated G B.B. Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery. The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?" Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:41 AM                        Rated G Spaz Honey just might be the pre-exercise energy source. Honey has been found as a better pre-exercise carbohydrate than other sweet treats used to energize, such as candy and soft drinks. Studies show that eating as little as 3 tablespoons of honey an hour before you workout can keep you from losing steam during your workout. Honey seems to give you more energy flow than other sugars do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 11:46 AM                        Rated G "The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'" - Isaac Asimov  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:31 PM                        Rated G Betsy The frustrating thing about getting old is seeing expensive antiques and remembering items just like them that you threw away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:32 PM                        Rated G Gerry Speaker to an audience of doctors. This is the first time I have ever addressed an audience of doctors, so I've tried to do some of the things my mother told me before going to the doctor. Put on clean underwear.....try to look poor....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:36 PM                        Rated G B.B. "Some Great Malapropisms..." "I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder." "You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!" "I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...." "I used to be as sharp as a button." "That way I can kill two bricks with one stone." "If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave." "You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:36 PM                        Rated G THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two,'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:57 PM                        Rated G WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS[/b] FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden With a foreword by Old Saddam (What's his name) THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS Anonymous DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book . MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 09:07 PM                        Rated G B.B. A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 07:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My daughter is a member of the same sailing club as the host of a popular early-morning radio program. One evening at the club, she suggested to him that more frequent time checks should be given. "I get so interested in the people you're interviewing that I get frozen in time," she told him. "Then I suddenly realize I'm going to be late for work, because I'm still in the tub and it's 7:30." The next morning, listeners to the program, including my daughter, were startled to hear this unusual time check following the news, sports and weather: "That brings the time to 7:15. Alice, get out of the bathtub."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 08:12 AM                        Rated G Hot Mama Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."  |  IP: Logged

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