A dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
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A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
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What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
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You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
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Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
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Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
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An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
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A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
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The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
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To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
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What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
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Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
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Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
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You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
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On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
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Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
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The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
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Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

A man sitting in a bar was complaining to his friend that he was still single.

His friend asked him how this could happen. He answered,

"Well, I'm looking for the perfect woman, I'm not going to settle for the first
one that comes along."

After a couple of weeks they meet again in the same bar, and the friend informe's him about his progress on his search.

He said, "I've found the perfect woman."

The friend replies, "So why are you looking so unhappy?"

1) Is it just me or do women always have to own ten thousand shoes that they never use?

2) Is is just me, or when you ask a women what's wrong, and she says something like "fine" or "nothing" it really means "I'm pissed off at you and you have about twenty minutes to guess, take responsibility say sorry ten times or your cut off for two weeks."

3) Why do women have to look at everything when they go shopping? And then get mad at us when we don't wanna go?

4) Why can't we plain old quick hot monkey sex with a women, instead of "making love"

5) Why can't women accept the fact that lesbians are cool!

6) Why can't women accept that when an attractive women walks by with a low cut top and huge breasts we have no control over staring at them!

7) Why can't women get over the fact that when ever they ask "how do I look", and we say fine, we always have to say yes!

8) Sports are the ultimate escape for us guys who are no good at them, let us watch them in peace or don't expect us to go to a ballet or opera.

9) If the toilet seat is up, do the logical thing and put itdown!

10) Don't expect guys to like your dad or ex-boyfriend

In the Telegraph
TRUE'ISH STORY.

There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit.
In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn".
The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes.

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don't.

8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want relationships.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.

11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

16. We are DrAmA queens.

17. Fashion police do exist.

18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

21.We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.

22. Don't make bets about us; we always find out.

23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are fake, just remember that. ( u have a better shot at ours than you ever will with hers)

26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

27. We are beautiful at all times.

28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hellcan't you piss in the toilet and not on it.

A college English professor wrote the following sentence on the chalk board and told the students to puctuate it correctly: 'woman without her man is savage'

The men in the class wrote: Woman, without her man, is savage.

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope dangling from a building's light pole.

Ten were men and one woman.

They all decided that one should give up their life and let go or the pole would break and they would all die.

No one could figure who would have to let go.

Finally the woman started giving a long speech on how she would give her life for them, since woman always sacrifice themselves for their husbands and children, when she was done all the men started clapping.

.......never underestimate the power of a woman...

Q: How can you tell a woman with PMS from a woman without PMS?

Ways to Know if You Have PMS

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker
that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-***-****."

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS

Guys have feelings too. But who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

The difference between bathing suits then and now:

•Bathing suits from the past: required that you open the suit to see the butt.

Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?

Two elderly ladies meet at the laundry mat after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

Two women were walking around somewhere in Nevada on a blisteringly-hot sunny day. They were looking for a way to cool off a little.

They passed a prostitute eating watermelon on the porch of a whorehouse without any panties on, so they asked her if she was any cooler by not wearing any panties.