An elderly Mr. Johnson and the widow Joyce Smith were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home.

Mr. Johnson, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

Mr. Johnson says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"…

Things Not to Say to Women

Here are some things better left unsaid when you are arguing with your wife/girlfriend.

Don't you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?

Shouldn't you consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

WOMEN'S T-SHIRT SAYINGS

Guys have feelings too. But who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

True To Life Facts About Women:

"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman language than it does in man language.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".

Women’s favorite toy is the word “no”

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.

Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?

Organizers of the first “National Orgasm Week” held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained.

If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you,so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue,this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?

A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?

A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?

A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes,however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?

A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"

A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4. She is not DUMB - She took a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

The age of Woman

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
A glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

Some Information

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But whips and chains
Excite me

I like your style
I like you class
But most of all
I like you ass

Guys are like roses
Watch out for the pricks

You can prick you finger
Just don't finger you prick

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So put it in

Twatt's twatt
And that's that

Eat me
Beat me
Bite me
Blow me
Suck me
Fuck me
Very slowly
If you kiss me
don't be sassy
Use you tongue
and make it nasty

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry.

By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.

Repeat with the other breast. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Exercise #2 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box.

Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Do this again in case the last time wasn't effective enough. Then repeat with the other breast.

Exercise #3 Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect.

Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.

Turn over and repeat for the other breast.