Two women were at a bar.

One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

Rated G

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

MARTHA STEWART VS. REAL WOMEN

Martha's way #1:

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to ,prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:

Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:

Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:

Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way # 6:

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way # 7:

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:

If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:

Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip

Martha's way # 10:

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:

FLASHER

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench chatting when a guy wearing nothing but a trenchcoat walked up to them and opened his trenchcoat, exposing his manlihood.

The first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady also had a stroke.

The most recent survey on women showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs.

Another 15 percent preferred muscular legs.

With the miracle of fertility treatment , a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65.

When she was discharged from hospital , her relatives came to visit. "Can we see the baby?" they asked. "Not yet , " said the 65 year old mother. Twenty minutes
later, they asked again . " Can we see the baby?""Not yet , " said the mother.

Another twenty minutes later , they asked again. " Can we see the baby?"
" Not yet ," said the mother.

Growing very impatient , they said. " Well, when can we see the baby then ?"

" When it cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "

What men need to know about women (written by a man)

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.

Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.

If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble).

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up'instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

It's okay for women to dance with each other, but you don't see men dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

The Ladies at Lunch
Rated PG

Mary: So you're happy with John, huh?

Jill: Absolutely! He's good to me, and he's so sexy. Before I met him, I thought sex was just for making babies and keeping the landlord happy.

FIVE STAGES OF FEMALE LIFE:

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the
merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he is in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon. They should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor? A man who has missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself type.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: And I knew she wanted me to notice her haircut, so finally I said, "You got a new hairstyle."

Mary: Was she flattered?

50 "Facts" About Women

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world
where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question
of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the
racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't
understand."

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless
they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right
answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they
feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off
than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey_type
shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is
because sex is more physical for men and more emotional
for women. Just knowing that the man *wants* to have
sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong_willed ones need a
man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from
the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or
three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It
gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no
matter what they're doing. It might be the lottery
calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men
understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an
"on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two
different conditioners in the shower.

16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like
a tropical rain forest.

17. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men
seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality.
Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things *could* be.

18. If a man goes on a seven_day trip, he'll pack five
days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice;
if a woman goes on a seven_day trip she'll pack 21
outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel
like wearing each day.

19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

20. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have
a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans
responsibility, "It's there in the bible". Hmmm who was
it that gave Adam the apple?

23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil_stick,
oil doesn't stick?"

24. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice
chairs and red carpet.

25. The average number of items in a typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when
women aren't looking, men kick cats.

27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit
her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a
book, or get the mail.

29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after
all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the
possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,
'How do I look?'

32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man_Slaughter. (Or at
least men think it means that. PMS also stands for
Punish My Spouse.

33. The first naked man woman see is "Ken".

34. Women are looking for that one man to satisfy their
every want and need; Men are looking for every woman to
satisfy that one want and need.

35. Women are insecure about their weight, butt and
breast_size.

36. Women will make three right_hand turns to avoid
making one left_hand turn.

37. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in
woman_language than it does in man_language.

38a. All women are overweight by definition, don't argue
with them about it.

38b. All women are overweight by definition, don't agree
with them about it.

39. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a
flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did
you do?"

40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels"
and the "good china".

41. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by
getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it
impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys.
(which gets them in more trouble).

42. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem
to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men
out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and
lowering it themselves.

43. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting.
This will get men arrested.

44. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a
guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women
trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried
do you?

45. Sex allows women to do three of their favorite
things:

1) Telling men they're doing it wrong; "Not _there!_

2) Demanding extra attention; "You can't stop yet!"

3) Martyring themselves; " That's all right, maybe next
time..."

46. It's OK for women to dance with each other and not
be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together.

47. All women seek equality with men until it comes to
sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking
up the check.

48. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring
this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and
then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other women.

50. Men can never catch women checking out other men;
women'll always catch men checking out other women.