A couple were having an argument which escalated very quickly into a first class row, with the two of them screaming at each other. Finally he cut her off yelling, "That's it! How'd you like it if you just don't see me for the next three days???"

To which she snarled back, "I'd like that just fine!"

And so on the next day she didn't see him at all.
And on the day after that she still didn't see him.

By the third day she could see him just a little bit in one eye.

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man - look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

What I Want in a Man

Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says, ''I bet you can't guess how old I am.''

The old woman says, ''okay, unzip your pants.''

The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says, ''you're 89.''

The old man looks at her increduously and asks, ''how did you know that?''

Two old maids were in the supermarket and they noticed that bananas were on sale, 10 cents a piece or 3 for a quarter.

"What should we do?", asked one.

Women can sleep with whoever they want;men have to sleep with whoever will let them.

How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant?

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

How old are you really?

A young child asked a woman how old she was.

She answered,"39 and holding."

Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Judi."

Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled Lady Monika.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Rated G

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is.

MOODS OF A WOMAN
================

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction, 
she's afraid of a wasp,
will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend
alone in the house.

she'll take him for better,
she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head
and then be his nurse

but when he's well
and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot
and aim for his head.

beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and crueyl,
yet simple and kind she'll call him a king,
then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.

she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away,then she'll be on his tracks

sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN
==============

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

The census taker knocked on the lady's door.

She answered all his questions except one.

She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells the census taker their age," he said.

"Did Miss Maisy Hill and her twin sister Daisey Hill tell their ages?" she asked.

"Certainly." he replied."Well, I'm the same age as they are." she snapped.