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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:59 AM                        Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch Mary: You know, Jill, I've built up quite a sizable little amount in my savings account in the last few years. Jill: Really? How did you do that on what we earn? Mary: Well, I started it with the money I found in the pockets of my exes' pants when I did laundry, and then I padded it with what I could "liberate" from their wallets while looking for forbidden phone numbers and such as they slept.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-20-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: You know, my ex never came right out and criticized my cooking. He would just make snide remarks. Mary: Like what? Jill: He'd look at his plate and ask, "Was the dog not hungry?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-23-2004 01:29 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: What are your plans for the weekend, Jill? Jill: Oh, this weekend is all mine! I'm going to give myself a facial, a pedicure, and a manicure, and put a deep conditioner on my hair. Mary: You don't have a date either, huh?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:41 PM                        Rated PG The Census Bureau said the birth rate in the United States reached an all-time low this past year. It's another side effect of Viagra. More women are running off with older men who have higher bank balances and lower sperm counts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2004 12:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday." The waitress made seven instant enemies - and one fast friend - by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:16 AM                        Rated PG Michele The Top 16 Changes Now That the Baby has Arrived 16. Hubby drops to #2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts. 15. Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your regular weekly supply of diapers. 14. Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so. 13. You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep- seated contempt for Michael Jackson. 12. You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT. 11. Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal! 10. Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore. 9. No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway. 8. The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors. 7. Well, there goes the pet dingo. 6. Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes. 5. Bundle of joy, my ass. Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes for. 4. Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox", but the cat is seriously torqued about it. 3. Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin' fer one." 2. For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney. and the Number 1 Change Now That the Baby has Arrived... 1. The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:22 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine Lord, what was I thinking when I Said The Words, "I Do" What am I doing here? I need to think this through... With all the many joys of life just what happened after I said the words, "I DO????" Did I say.... I DO dishes I DO wash I DO ironing Oh, My Gosh !?! I DO wallpapering; I DO bills; I DO cooking; even when I have the chills!!!! I DO sewing I DO windows full of grime Feel's just like.... I'm DOing time What ever happened to our candlelight dinners Romantic walks on the beach ?? Instead....... I'm up to my elbows in water, soap and bleach I DO "NOT" know what happened to romance A woman's work is never done So, come on broom....... LET'S YOU AND I DANCE !!!!  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 11-05-2004 10:33 PM                    Rated PG Marriage will make you believe A young lady comes home from a date rather upset. She tells her mother, "Lenny proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you sad?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me he is an atheist," the girl responds. "Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell." Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2004 09:27 AM                        Rated G Michele "The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2004 09:29 AM                        Rated PG An elderly women driver made a right-hand turn from the left lane and collided with another car. The other driver asked, "Lady? Why the hell didn't you signal at least?" She huffily replied, "Sir, if you paid attention at all, you'd know that I ALWAYS turn here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:35 AM                        Rated G Jewell Woman's Life Cycle What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you???  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2004 01:11 PM                        Rated G Sally Quotations from women about women....... I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Everytime I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 04:10 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: Have you heard about this new bra and panties set that lights up? Jill: No! You're kidding! Mary: I'm NOT! I heard about it on TV. What I want to know is where you hide the battery.  |  IP: Logged Chris Medley Expert Film Handler Posts: 180 From: McKinney, TX, USA Registered: Jan 2004 posted 01-21-2005 05:29 PM                        From Kim Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So,she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she WAS surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday"!!! *** I almost fell out of my chair with this one***  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 07:20 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: You wouldn't believe how inexperienced with women my ex was when we first married. Mary: How bad was he? Jill: On our wedding night, he tried to inflate me.  |  IP: Logged

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