A man wanted to go on holiday in Ibiza because he had heard it was the best place in the world to have unsafe sex.

On his first night, he picks up a prostitute and after finishing his business pays her for a job well done.

As he drives off, he shouts to her, ''El dollar, counterfeito!''

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

Why don't women fart as much as men?

They can't shut their mouth long enough to build up the pressure.

******

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

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The best way to stop the noise in your car is to let her drive.

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Never try to guess your wife's size when buying her clothes.

Just buy her anything marked "petite," and keep the receipt

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My ex-wife is an excellent laxative.

Have you heard about the latest bra for middle-aged women?

It's called a Sheep Dog. It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

******

What do women and cow pats have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

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What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?

A volcano doesn't fake eruptions.
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What's the difference between a dog scratching the door and a woman scratching the door?

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?

Darling!

******

What's the definition of Making Love?

It's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.

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What's the difference between a woman with her period and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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A woman's best friend are her legs, but even best friends must part.

******

What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

Why did God make Adam first?

So he could get a word in edgeways!

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What should you do if your washing machine breaks down?

Slap her!!!

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An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and father Christmas are in a lift, there's a fiver on the floor, who picks it up?

Why does a bride wear white?

It is good to have the dishwasher and the refrigerator match.

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Why couldn't Helen Keller Drive?

She was a Woman.

******

How many chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb

None. Let the cow cook in the dark.

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How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

What is the difference between a Golf Ball and a Woman's G-Spot?

A Man will spend more than two minutes looking for his Golf Ball.

******

At a four-way intersection theres the perfect man, the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy, who goes goes first?

Nobody, none of them exist!

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Why do men whistle while on the Toilet?

So they know which end to wipe.

******

How many workmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four...one to do the work and the other three to watch him!

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How are men like parking spaces?

All the good ones are taken and the ones left are handicap.

******

What do you call a man with half a brain?

GIFTED!

*******

Women have many faults, however men have only two.

Everything they say and every thing they do.

******

Why can't little girls fart?

They don't have an asshole until they get married.

******

"Sam, what does that 'L' mean on your car?"

"It means that I am learning!"

"Oh, so does that 'GB' mean that you are getting better?"

******

Why did God create women after he had created men?

Because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.

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One day, god created man. Then he stopped and thought "I can do better than that!" and then he created woman.

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What's the difference between a 90's woman and a computer?

A 90's woman won't accept a three and half inch floppy.

******

Have you heard about the latest contraception for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

******

Adam came first. But then, men always do.

******

What can you say to a man who has just had sex?

Anything you like he will be asleep.

******

What's the mans idea of helping to make the bed?

Getting out of it.

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Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight twats?

Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.

******

Why do men cum so quickly?

So they can rush down to the pub and tell their mates.

******

How do men sort their clothes?

Into two piles, filthy, and filthy but wearable.

******

What is the thinnest book in the world?

What men know about women.

******

What's the definition of a bachelor pad?

A flat where the plants are all dead but there's something growing in the fridge.

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Men are like toilets.

OK gals it's time for some men put downs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Hazardous materials information bulletin - please read!!

Materials safety data sheet
Element: Woman
Chemical symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adamov Eden
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.659Kg but known to vary from 40 to 200kg
Occurrences: Copious quantities in urban areas

Physical properties
· Surfaces usually covered in painted film
· Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason
· Melts if given special treatment
· Bitter if incorrectly used
· Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common 'ore'
· Yields if pressure applied in correct places

Chemical properties
· Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
· Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
· May explode spontaneously, without prior warning for no known reason
· Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly if saturated in alcohol
· Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses
· Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
· Can be great aid to relaxation
· Very effective cleaning agent

Tests
· Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
· Turns green when placed near a better specimen

Training courses now available for women.

1. Silence, the Final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You do not need new shoes every'day.

4. Parties: Going without new outfits

5. Man Management: Discover how minor household chores can wait until after'the game.

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His razor is His.

8. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you...

9. Communication Skills I: Tears - The last resort, not the first

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking before speaking

11. Communications Skills III: Getting what you want, without nagging

12. Driving a car safely; A skill you can acquire

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking your fair share

14. Telephone Skills: How to hang up

15. Introduction to parking

16. Advanced parking: Reversing into a space

17. Overcoming anal retentive behaviour: Leaving the towels on the floor

18. Water retention: fact or fat?

19. Cooking I: Bringing back bacon, eggs & butter

20. Cooking II: Bran & Tofu aren't for human consumption

21. Cooking III: How not to inflict your diets on other people

22. Compliments; Accepting them gracefully

23. PMT; Your problem...Not his

24. Dancing; Why men don't want to
25. Sex; It's for married couples too

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have

27. Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together

29. Ballet: for women only

30. Oil & Petrol: Your car needs both

31. Learning to go in public toilets

32. Appreciating the humour of the three stooges

33. "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" - Why men lie

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: I got a puppy over the weekend.

Mary: A pet! Good for you! Are you having any problems with him?

Jill: Well, maybe just one. I may have given him the wrong name.

Mary: What do you mean?

Jill: Well, I named him Jack, and Saturday night when my date was sitting in the living room, the dog got up on the sofa. I'm trying to teach him not to do that.

An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and father Christmas are in a lift, there's a fiver on the floor, who picks it up?

The intelligent man because the other two are fictional.

******

What do you call a woman who can suck an orange through a hose pipe?

Men and Women

God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men.  They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.  They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous.

Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home.

They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors.  They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in.  They stand up against injustice.

They walk and talk the extra mile to get their kids into the right schools and to get their family the right health care.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.  They are smart -- they know that knowledge is power.

But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.  They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable!

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.  They live in houses, apartments and cabins.  They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth.  They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.  They give moral support to their family and friends.  And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.

MEN