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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:55 PM                        Rated G Woman Shopper's Prayer Our Cash, Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Gucci Watch Thy Prada Bag In Saks As it is in Neimans Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our Overdraft As we forgive those who cease our Mastercard Lead us not into Kmart And deliver us from Target For thine is Versace, the Akira & Armani For Chanel No. 5 and Eternity  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 08:53 AM                        Rated XXX Michele Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation, i.e. jerking off,spanking the monkey,slappin' the salami and so on,there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 09:12 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I wish I'd known more about midlife before I got here! Jill: What do you mean? Mary: Well, I lost my sex drive years ago. I had no idea it could be menopause! I thought it was just because I was married!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-05-2004 12:50 PM                        Rated R Michele Nina and Rosey were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch together. Nina noticed thar Rosey was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was. Rosey replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it." Nina replied, "I know! I know!!!"  |  IP: Logged Gary Crawford Expert Film Handler Posts: 200 From: Neptune NJ USA Registered: Nov 2003 posted 03-10-2004 01:53 PM                     The Blonde...Rated G A blonde went for an offer for replacement windows. They were installed in a quality manner. A year went by but she never sent a check to the contractor for the work done. Finally the owner called her and gave her a bad time about being a deadbeat, breach of contract, and threats of a lawsuit. "Why didn't you pay for the windows???" he screamed. "You told me that in a year they would pay for themselves," she answered. The contractor hung up and never called her again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2004 09:23 AM                        Rated G Michele "Ninety percent of women say that a man's looks aren't important. So if she can't stand you, you know it's your lousy personality."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-13-2004 02:44 PM                        Rated G Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looks at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?" Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money." Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-19-2004 04:55 PM                        Rated G A Glossary of Women's Standard Operating Procedures... FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead! " in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2004 03:09 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: Are you going out again with that hunk from your health club? Mary: No,let me just put it this way: Not all his parts are well-developed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2004 10:16 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba 13 Reasons a Handgun is Better Than a Woman 1) You can buy a silencer for a handgun. 2) You can trade a .44 for two .22's. 3) You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. 4) If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it. 5) Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. 6) Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. 7) A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 8) Handguns function normally every day of the month. 9) A handgun won't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?" 10) A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it. 11) You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems. 12) A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is. 13) A handgun won't tell all of its friends if you are a "little fast on the trigger."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2004 10:41 AM                        Rated R The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I have to tell you the latest ridiculous thing Janie said. Jill: What was it? Mary: She said that when she and her ex were divorcing, he told her she was "woefully ignorant in matters of sex and should read some books on Connie Lingus and Fella Tio," and she added, "whoever THEY are!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:42 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: How bad did things get with you and your ex? Mary: Well, for the first few months, when he hadn't come home yet, I'd pray, "Please, God, don't let him be lying on the side of the road somewhere dead." Jill: Okay, and then? Mary: Then after about a year of that, I started to pray, "Please, God, let him be lying dead on the side of the road somewhere, and let there be enough insurance money to fix the car and send his body back to his parents."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:25 AM                        Rated G "Hello, Mary, how's your new false teeth?" asked Bridget. "I'm leaving them out till I get used to them!" said Mary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:08 AM                        Rated G Nancy A young lady of Chatham, who attended a wedding of a friend, put a piece of the wedding cake under her pillow and went to bed with the happy belief that she would dream of her future husband. That evening at the reception the young girl had eaten a large dish of ice cream, a large serving of strawberries, several sweet cakes and two large pickles. She now says she would rather remain single all her life than marry the man she saw in her dreams.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:48 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I'd love to buy a new car, but... Jill: But what? Mary: But all the cars I really like have bucket seats, and I actually need a barrel.  |  IP: Logged

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