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Author
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Topic: Women
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2003 06:39 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Nan in Warwick
Why Women Are Crabby
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.
Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up
with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee in our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar.
Calm down and push. Just one more good push (or 10 ) ," warranting a strong, well- deserved impulse to punch the b----- (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale:
"The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a
hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby.
Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-03-2003 05:35 PM
The preacher's Sunday sermon topic was, "Forgive Your Enemies."
He asked, "How many have forgiven their enemies?" About half
held up their hands.
He then repeated his question. Now, about 80 percent held up
their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one
elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation
how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and
said:
"It's easy. I just outlived those bitches."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 11-04-2003 06:26 PM
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand
just how it works. You may want to make a copy for your intended for
reference...lol.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she
dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a
guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
......in the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
......and no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking
buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-20
With breast implants.....-28
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team ...-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+20
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying" well, what do
you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200
ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-13-2003 10:09 AM
Rated G Michele
What's in a name?
A lot more than you think. Here's your chance to learn what his pet name for you really means. Don't say we didn't warn you!!
Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But
when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart
aflutter.
Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a
medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky
ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince
Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.
Memsahib -- At least you're in no doubt as to who wears the trousers in this relationship.Who said that colonization was
dead ?
Luv -- Expect him to be a builder, plumber, chippie, sparkie or just an all round general geezer. Probably calls everyone else this too, including his dear mum, the vicar and the pet dog.
Fatty -- No problem if you're thin. If you're not - kick him out - unless he exceeds 40 stone himself.
Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
Dog breath -- Charming!! He should be in the doghouse if this is his pet name for you. Return the compliment - serve him a dog food curry.
Farty pants -- He could be trying to tell you something about your digestive system - otherwise he's just a big kid who prefers his mates' humor to you.
Slapper-- Great as a jockey term of affection. But if he means it perhaps you should be more careful who you bring home at night - especially if you live together !!
Stupid cow -- The only farmyard animal you should accept the likeness to are duckie, lambikins and chickie. And you're not
stupid, so put him out to graze....And behind your back.
My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you
around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!!
The wife-- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man
without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing
your identity somewhere.
The missus -- See The Wife.
My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and
hugging trees.
My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
'er indoors -- He probably thinks all you're good at is housework. You should get out a bit more - with your real friends !!
She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.
Her nibs -- Affectionate term for an authoritarian. You insisted that he called you that. Didn't you ?
If you are a bloke reading this, then think again when you are
just about to call her a pet name.
If you are a girl reading this, then don't take it too seriously, it's only a bit of fun
Just give him a slap, that normally does the trick, hehehe. Even
better, get that big wooden rolling pin out!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-15-2003 02:45 PM
Rated G Gordon "Eating Butter Tarts" in Toronto
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 12:08 PM
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
Too much wine...Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.
They were about half way home when both ladies decided that they neede to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they'd just have to stop there...they couldn't wait any longer. Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or Kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to 'just make do'! The first one decided to use her panties and then discard them. The second one had on new panties and not wanting to leave them behind just grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: "You know, we'll have to keep a closer watch on our wives...it seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her panties...." The other one responded: "Well, you're lucky; mine came home with a card stuck to her bottom that read, "We will never forget you....The Carboni Brothers".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 12:12 PM
Rated PG
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life
into his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant
other!!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate..
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate..
Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might
need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!
And remember: Money talks, but chocolate sings.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-24-2003 08:47 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario
Great Quotes by Great Ladies!
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
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The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
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I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
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Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
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There would be no holidays, gifts, celebrations, or feasting if the planning and preparation were left to a man.
-Christina-
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Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-
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A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
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The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
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Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
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Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
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Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
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I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
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If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
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When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
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I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb
..... and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
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If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
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I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
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When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
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Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
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I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
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I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
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