my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Women (Page 19)

This topic comprises 25 pages: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25

Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G Janine Pearl(on phone): I got your message and am calling to congratulate you for losing 170 pounds of ugly fat! Shirl: Don't bother. He came home last night.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G Ladies at Lunch Mary: When I opened my home page yesterday evening, I saw an article about "Sexless Marriage." Jill: You're kidding! Mary: I'm not! When did this situation become news?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 02:32 PM                        Rated PG JJ On The Pacific Rim Ladies vs Real Women Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up." Real Woman - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes." ***************************************************************** Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. Real Woman - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares? *************************************************************** Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. Real Woman - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway. ******************************************************************** Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. Real Woman - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantryfor up to a year. ********************************************************************* Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake. Real Woman - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you. ******************************************************************* Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. Real Woman - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it. ********************************************************************* Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. Real Woman - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it. *************************************************************** And finally the most important! tip.... Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Real Woman - Leftover wine??  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2003 08:37 PM                        Rated G Ladies at Lunch Jill: I had a really bad date last night. Nadine: Oh no. What happened? Jill: Well, it started off okay on the phone. He asked me out to dinner.He said he was thinking we'd go to a French restaurant. Nadine: Well, that doesn't sound bad at all. Jill: Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-23-2003 05:43 AM                        Rated G Michele As I grow in age,I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,what she is, what she wants and from whom.Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified.They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.Of course, if you deserve it,they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it... Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age.You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.... Yes,we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,it's not always reciprocal.For every stunning, smart,well-coiffed,hot woman of 40+,there is a bald,paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year- old waitress. Ladies, I apologize for all of us. Andy Rooney  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-23-2003 08:34 AM                        Rated G Michele Remember when: You were born a daughter. You looked up to your mother. You looked up to your father. You looked up to everyone. You wanted to be a princess. You wanted to own a horse. You wanted your brother to be a horse. You wanted to wear pink. You never wanted to wear pink. You wanted to be a teacher. You wanted to be president. You were picked last for the team. You refused to be on the team. You hid during algebra. You wanted boys to notice you. You were afraid boys would notice you. You started to get acne. You started to get breasts. You started to get acne that was bigger than your breasts. You wouldn't wear a bra. You couldn't wait to wear a bra. You couldn't fit your breasts in a bra. You didn't like the way you looked. You didn't like the way your parents looked. You didn't want to grow up. You had your first best friend. You had your first date. You spent hours on the telephone. You got kissed. You got to kiss back. You spent hours on the telephone. You didn't go to prom. You went to the prom with the wrong person. You spent hours on the telephone. You thought you fell in love. You lost your first best friend. You got a new best friend. You really fell in love. You became a steady girlfriend. You became significant to somebody. You became significant to yours:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:36 PM                        Rated R Why were hurricanes orginally named after women? When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:39 PM                        Rated G B.B. Every Woman Should Know... How to fall in love without losing herself. How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. When to try harder and when to walk away. That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents. That her childhood may not have been perfect but it's over. What she would and wouldn't do for love or more. How to live alone even if she doesn't like it. Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally. Where to go when her soul needs soothing, be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods. What she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year. When not to ask:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-06-2003 02:48 PM                        Rated G A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 10:12 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: It didn't take me long to realize I wanted a divorce from my husband. Jill: What do you mean? Mary: His idea of foreplay was waking me up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated G Louise For all the women out there.Wanna have some fun? I just discovered that the remote control for the TV in the bedroom works on the one in the living room. I stick it in the corner of the couch where I sit, have it aimed toward the tv, and when the MAN OF THE HOUSE puts on a ball game or whatever, that I don't want to watch - just sneakily change the station - everytime he puts it back, do it again, and just say "There must be something wrong with the cable."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 03:27 PM                        Rated G Ladies at Lunch Jill: What's wrong, Mary? Mary: I'm tired! I've been out seven nights in a row. I'm having too much fun! Jill: Maybe you should get married again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 04:43 AM                        Rated G JJ on Left Coast Five Secrets for women for a successful relationship 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 02:01 PM                        Rated PG Sheila and Janet meet for lunch and Sheila is very, very noticeably upset. "Whats wrong Sheila?" asks Janet. "My doctor just called me and told me I'm pregnant. I can't be pregnant! I've never been married, I don't have any boy friends, I've never even been near a man except.... OHHHHH... That damn lifeguard told me it was a new form of artificial respiration!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 02:03 PM                        Rated G The Ladies At Lunch Mary: I read that, on the average, women have sex in the neighborhood of 298 times a year. Jill: Really? I must be living in the wrong neighborhood  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 25 pages: 1  2  3  ...  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.