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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 06:33 AM                        Rated G A LADY DESERVES TO BE TOLD THIS 1) I love you 2) I just called to hear your voice. 3) Is there anything I can do to make things better? 4) You look nice today. 5) Did you lose some weight? 6) You complete me. 7) I missed you. 8) No matter what happens, we will get through this together. 9) Our kids just don't know how lucky they are to have you as a mother. 10) Enjoy your night out with the girls. 11) I'm sorry. 12) You did a good job. 13) I need you. 14) If that's what you really want to do, I'm behind you all the way. 15) I'm proud of you. 16) Let`s go out tonight. 17) God must have spent a little more time on you. 18) Whenever you`re frustrated, depressed, confused or feeling that the whole world is closing in on you, remember that I'm here for you. 19) I'll take the kids with me; you need a break. 20) You were right; I was wrong. 21) I trust you. 22) Did you make an appointment to get a mammogram and Pap smear? 23) I don't care what anyone says; I know I couldn't have done it without you. 24) Thank you for being the woman that you are. 25) If they turned the clocks back, I'd marry you all over again.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 12:47 PM                        Rated G Never argue with a woman when she's tired... Or rested. When You Feel Like You've Reached The End Of Your Rope ... Tie A Knot... "And Hang On!" The best antiques are old friends  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-29-2003 08:57 AM                        Rated PG Ladie at Lunch Jill: I think my boss is into cybersex. Mary: What makes you think so? Jill: I noticed that lately he's gotten VERY good at typing with one hand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 10:15 AM                        Rated G Politically Correct Woman: She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:12 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I was so bored last weekend that I went back to the bar where I met my last ex. And, can you believe it,he was there! Jill: What happened? Mary: Not much! He was so bombed that he tried to pick me up again!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:20 PM                        Rated Ladies At Lunch MaryDon't you think it's cute the way children repeat things they've heard? Jill: Uh, I guess. Why? Mary: The other day my granddaughter said, "My daddy's a piece of shit."  |  IP: Logged Rachel Craven Madam Moderator Posts: 2190 From: Pensacola, FL Registered: Dec 2000 posted 07-08-2003 09:24 PM                     Rated R for bad language! FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY Once upon a time, ~~~~~~~~ in a land far away ~~~~~~~~ a beautiful, independent, ~~~~~~~~ self-assured princess ~~~~~~~~ happened upon a frog as she sat, ~~~~~~~~ contemplating ecological issues ~~~~~~~~ on the shores of an unpolluted pond ~~~~~~~~ in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap ~~~~~~~~ and said: Elegant Lady, ~~~~~~~~ I was once a handsome prince, ~~~~~~~~ until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. ~~~~~~~~ One kiss from you, however, ~~~~~~~~ and I will turn back ~~~~~~~~ into the dapper, young prince that I am ~~~~~~~~ and then, my sweet, we can marry ~~~~~~~~ and setup housekeeping in your castle ~~~~~~~~ with my mother, ~~~~~~~~ where you can prepare my meals, ~~~~~~~~ clean my clothes, bear my children, ~~~~~~~~ and forever ~~~~~~~~ feel grateful and happy doing so. ~~~~~~~~ That night, ~~~~~~~ on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs ~~~~~~~~ seasoned in a white wine ~~~~~~~ and onion cream sauce, ~~~~~~~~ she chuckled and thought to herself: ~~~~~~~~ I don't fucking think so.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated G Why Beer Is Better Than Women 1. You can enjoy beer all month long. 2. Beer stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer. 4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football. 5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out. 6. Beer is never late. 7. Hangovers go away. 8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer. 11. Beer never has a headache. 12. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer on your breath. 14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head. 15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty. 16. A beer always goes down easy. 17. You can share a beer with your friends. 18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer. 19. Beer is always wet. 20. Beer doesn't demand equality. 21. You can have a beer in public. 22. A beer doesn't care when you come. 23. A frigid beer is a good beer. 24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good. 25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 03:07 PM                        Rated G 50 Reasons To Be A Woman 1. Free drinks. 2. Free dinners. 3. Free movies (you get the point). 4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay. 5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay. 6. You know The Truth about whether size matters. 7. Speeding ticket? What's that? 8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. 9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school. 10. If you have sex with someone and don't call him the next day, you're not the devil. 11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex. 12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud. 13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. 14. You can sleep your way to the top. 15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. 16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. 17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. 18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. 19. Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Tom Selleck. 20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself. 21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected. 22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper. 24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. 25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him. 26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. 27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. 28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass. 29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it. 30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there. 31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. 32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. 33. You have the ability to dress yourself. 34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. 35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like. 37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's after shave. 38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley. 39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. 40. You can quickly end any fight by crying. 41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. 42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 43. You've never had a goatee. 44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable. 45. You'll never regret piercing your ears. 46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at her shoes. 47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra. 48. You don't have hair on your back. 49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. 50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.  |  IP: Logged Rachel Craven Madam Moderator Posts: 2190 From: Pensacola, FL Registered: Dec 2000 posted 07-13-2003 10:17 AM                     Rated PG-13 The Eulogy She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman, offering as his closing comment: "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 12:10 PM                        Rated G Janine No matter how happily a woman may be married,it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 10:29 AM                        Rated G Nina had just moved in to her new apartment,and although she wasn't really adept at cooking,she invited Rosey over for her first attempt at cooking a dinner.Nina insisted she didn't need any help from Rosey and that she should just make herself comfortable in the living room. After a while,Nina called out to Rosey,"I only have one small question.How do you know when the pasta is done?" "After it is boiled a little while, throw it against the wall," Rosey said jokingly."If it sticks, it's done." A few minutes later,Rosey heard what sounded like a wave crashing on a beach.She ran to the kitchen, where the floor was covered with water. Nina was on the floor picking up pasta strands."Don't worry,I'm fine" Nina said. "But the pasta needs another minute or two."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 08:08 PM                        Rated PG Margaret is explaining to Jill the bad day she'd had at work. Margaret's boss had suffered a heart attack and died. Jill said, "How horrible! What did you do?" Margaret shook her head."There was nothing I *could* do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 08:14 PM                        Rated G The bride,upon her engagement,went to her mother and said,"I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied,"So what do you want from me, sympathy?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 06:01 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee On Mother's Day, my seven-year-old son couldn't wait to present me with a book of poetry he had written about me.Part of it was an acrostic of my name,Victoria, with an adjective describing me next to each letter. Beside "V" he had written, "Very good" Beside "I" he had written "intellijent," Next to the "C," "caring," Next to "T" he had written "Terrific." And for the "O," "outstanding." Next to "R" he wrote, "Real pretty Next to "I" he wrote "incredabul" I was swelling with pride until I came to the final "A." Next to it my son had written "Able to scream."  |  IP: Logged

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