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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 04:05 PM                        Rated G Becky Why Women are Cranky We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hear-me-roar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place). Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex."? Yeah, right. Bite me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I got a call yesterday from a collection agency. It was about someone I know. The agency was trying to find her for non-payment of a debt. Jill: What did you say? Mary: Well, I had to tell the truth: "I don't know where the bitch is." But I added, "If you find her,could you call me back and tell me where she is? She owes me money too!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:56 PM                        Rated PG A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 03:58 PM                        Rated G Mary: And then he said those three words that made me a happy woman! Jill: He told you he loved you? Mary: NO! He said, "I take Viagra."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 04:09 PM                        Rated G Sadie and Esther are sitting on the porch of their Miami Beach hotel. "Oh my God,"cries Sadie."Look at that poor boy!Such a weak chin. His mouth is crooked.And look,his eyes are crossed." "That boy," says Esther,"happens to be my son." "Oh," replies Sadie."On him it's very becoming."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 11:24 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I asked my dad about hanging a picture. He told me I could locate a stud in the wall by banging on the wall with my fist. Jill: How did it work? Mary: It didn't work at all! The stud never even knocked back!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:20 PM                        Rated G Ladies at Lunch Marlene was telling a friend over lunch that she had given all her beaus pet names that also served as a secret reminder of their sexual talents. As luck would have it, one passed by, and she called out,...."Hey, Johnny Walker. How's it going baby?" Her friend said,"Say.I happen to know that fellow,and his name is not Johnny Walker at all.Johnny Walker is a liquor." "Damn!!!You've broken my secret code that quickly." said Marlene.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 04:37 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: Today Susan told me she'd bought some "crack cream." Jill: Good heavens! What does that do? Mary: I don't know, and I was afraid to ask!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 02:52 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: You look a little frazzled today, Mary. Mary: I am! This morning I took one of those free introductory sessions with a personal trainer at the health club, and it finally made up my mind about taking the training. Jill: So you're going to do it? Mary: Oh, hell, no! I have no desire to pay some skinny bitch to yell at me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 05:43 AM                        Rated G Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried...but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ..."Hello - we're all down here...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:18 AM                        Rated G A mother may hope that her daughter will get a better husband that she did, but she knows her son will never get as good a wife as his father did.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 10:58 AM                        Rated G IN PRAISE OF OLDER WOMEN They don't yell They don't tell They don't swell And they are grateful as hell.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:06 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: I'm thinking of writing an autobiography. Jill: Really? You go, Girl! Mary: Yeah, the title will be either NOT TONIGHT or GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 08:59 AM                        Rated R The Ladies at Lunch Jill: How did a smart woman like you ever get herself into a pre-marital pregnancy? Mary: Well, #1 insisted that if we could ever expect to have a relationship and a future, he'd need some "hands-on experience." Jill: Mary!! Mary: I know! He was a fast learner too!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated G Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who is totally free for the weekend!  |  IP: Logged

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