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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 11:20 AM                        Rated G Joys of Womanhood ~Brilliant Woman Author Unknown~ Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. Celebrate Womanhood! Please share this with all the brilliant women in your life!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 02:46 PM                        Rated X The Ladies at Lunch Mary: My ex used to complain all the time because I never liked giving blow jobs. Jill: Yeah, all men want that. Mary: He stopped questioning me when I asked him,"Tell the truth;if you could reach it,would YOU suck it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 02:59 PM                        Rated G I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription refilled, and soon the symptoms of menopause - hot flashes, forgetfulness, irritability - returned. At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, "So, how many people asked you to get this refilled?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:53 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: Did you know that you can burn up 25 calories having an organism? Jill: Hah! That's Nothing! Faking it burns 167!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 01:41 PM                        Rated PG WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered in painted film. 2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no kown reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent. TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other. Not to be disclosed without prior notification.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:59 AM                        Rated X The Ladies at Lunch Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce. Jill: You're kidding!I thought they had so much in common. Mary: Actually,that's the problem.They both like pussy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2003 01:44 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: My second husband finally insisted that I go to a doctor about my headaches. Jill: Oh, were they that bad? Mary: Well, no, but as he said, "You've had one for 12 years!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 04:33 PM                        Rated G Words Women Use FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour.It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes."Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,upside down,and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"and end with "Fine." GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare.One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. GO AHEAD (With Lowered Eyebrows) At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. LOUD SIGH! This is not actually a word,but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men.A "Loud Sigh!"means she wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." SOFT SIGH Again,not a word, but a nonverbal statement."Soft Sighs" mean that she is content.Your best bet is to not move or breathe,and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY! This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man."That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done."That's Okay!"is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." PLEASE DO This is not a statement,it is an offer.A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.You have a fair chance with the truth,so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay!." THANKS A woman is thanking you.Do not faint.Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT! This goes much deeper than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot!" when she is really ticked off at you.It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way,and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh!" Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh!," as she will only tell you "Nothing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 08:03 AM                        Rated PG A Woman's Perfect Breakfast A woman's perfect breakfast:She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 09:56 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee FLAT CHESTED WOMAN A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk,accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"Pardon me."Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day,she bumped into a man in the grocery store,he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.She was in seventh heaven! The following day she walked into a Chinese restaurant,collided with a waiter who bowed and said,"A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day,the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 11:17 AM                        Rated G Michele My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated R The Ladies at Lunch Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?" Jill: "Nooo! What happened?" Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. He went straight from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 07:37 AM                        Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch Jill: And then my ex thought I owed HIM an apology! Mary: Well, did you give him one? Jill: Oh, yeah! I said, "I'm sorry you're an asshole!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 11:12 AM                        Rated R Big Tits vs. Little Tits Women with Big Tits... ..can get a taxi on the worst days ..have men give them the best seats on a bus. ..have a neat place to carry spare change ..have always been the center of the arts (art) ..make jogging a spectator sport ..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ..can always carry a little extra cash ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner ..never have to buy a car with airbags ..have a place to carry a extra beer Women with Little Tits... ..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ..always look younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ..can always see their toes and shoes ..can sleep on their stomachs ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts ..know that everything more than a handful is wasted ..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out ..never be accused of having implants.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 11:30 AM                        Rated G Mother Truths: - Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . . .somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct . . . somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring . . . somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn outgood" ...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . . somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.  |  IP: Logged

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