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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated R The Ladies at Lunch Mary: Helen and her husband are getting a divorce. Jill: Oh, my goodness! What happened? Mary: Her husband took it personally when he found out that she had several "weapons of masturbation."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2003 08:02 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Linda: "Jacks wife is suing him for divorce." Jill: "How come?" Linda: "Incompatibility." Jill: "How in the world did she catch him doing that?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 05:53 AM                        Rated X The Ladies at Lunch Jill: If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth,would you help procreate the species? Assume therewere 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant. Mary: You can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't fuck the ugly ones! Why perpetuate that?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: And then my ex's remark finally got us thrown out of the club! Jill: What did he say? Mary: He said, "Women can breast-feed in public, can't they?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:45 AM                        Rated PG The Ladies at Lunch Jill: Did you ever have a pet name for your ex? Mary: Hmmm! Does "Asshole" count?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Nina and Jill were talking about a friend who had just given birth to triplets. Nina"You know, that only happens once in twelve-thousand times?" Jill:"Amazing! "How did she ever find time to do any housework?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated PG The Ladies Having Martini's Jill: You look a little frazzled today, Mary. Mary: I am!This morning I took one of those free introductory sessions with a personal trainer at the health club,and it finally made up my mind about taking the training. Jill: So you're going to do it? Mary:Oh,hell,no!I have no desire to pay some skinny bitch to yell at me!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-12-2003 01:53 PM                        Rated G Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born. I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined,"Are you saving the bananas for anything?" Who,in their infinite wisdom,decreed that Little League uniforms be white?Certainly not a mother. Mother's words of wisdom:"Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!" All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them. Most children's first words are "Mama" or "Daddy." Mine were,"Do I have to use my own money?" Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three.It takes one to say,"What light?" and two more to say,"I didn't turn it on." Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster fur,who gets carsick and who isn't kidding when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's going to happen if he doesn't get in right away.It's tough.If they all have the same hair color they tend to run together. When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?"it's a mere formality.It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.You're going to get it anyway. No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick. When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor,or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of cap less shampoo dribbling down the shower drain.They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator.It's like being the vice president of the United States.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G The best dressed woman at a recent society ball was the lovely Agatha S. Skeffington, whose gown was cut so low in back it revealed her initials.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 08:26 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: Mary, what exactly is an "oxymoron"? Mary: It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like "deafening silence." Jill: Oh, I get it. Like "Mr. Perfect"!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated PG JJ on the Pacific Rim Twenty Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night. 1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is. 2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around. 3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too. 4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago. 5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry),pick it up and carry on eating it. 6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much. 7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work. 8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me. 9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher. 10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming. 11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy. 12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. 13. I yell at the bartender,who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin. 14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor. 15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..." 16.I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it. 17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves. 18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor(wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap. 19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink. 20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight. You probably laughed at the ones that apply to you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Jill: So how long did you stay married the first time? Mary: Oh, we didn't even make it to one year. Jill: What a shame! Mary: Yeah, well, I didn't want to get too involved.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 06:59 AM                        Rated G Little Boy Lost A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womans' locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: You know, I don't think getting older is such a bad thing. Jill: What on Earth do you mean? How could it not be bad? Mary: Well, think about it. Just when our bodies start to sag,our vision starts to get worse.It all works out!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 12:08 PM                        Rated G Question:How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . .. I'm sorry . . . what did you ask me?  |  IP: Logged

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