Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So where y'all from?"

The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."

"Organizers of the first 'National Orgasm Week' held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained.

Two Southern Belles were sitting talking. One Southern Belle says to the other, "Do you know what you call a man who kisses another man is called?"

The second Southern Belle, nervously shaking her fan says, "No, what do you call him?!"

"You call him a homosexual," states the first."Do you know what you call a woman who kisses another woman?" asks the first.

Shaking her fan harder, the second says, "No, what do you call her?!"

"You call her a lesbian," states the first."Do you know what you call a man who kisses a woman between her legs?", asks the first.

In a tizzy, shaking her fan faster than ever, the second replies, "No, what do you call him?"Says the first,

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married she requested no male pallbearers.

A man is like a fine wine.

He starts out raw as grapes.

And it's a woman's job,

To stomp on him,

And keep him in the dark,

Until he matures into something,

A WOMAN'S FACTS ABOUT MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaners. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's
another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," and if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

QUESTION:

Why are married women heavier than single women?

ANSWER:

QUESTION: Why don't women blink during foreplay?

This is why God made menopause.......

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman
gave birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital, her
relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the 65 year-old mother, Soon, 10 minutes had passed and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another 19 minutes later, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it
CRIES??"

Mom's Last Laugh

Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat.
I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so intense, I found it hard to breathe at times.

Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and prayed for me my entire life.

When Mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle child without entanglements, to take care of her. I counted it an honor.

"What now, Lord?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out before me as an empty abyss. My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child.

All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone.

My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. Now she was with the Lord.

My work was finished, and I was alone.

I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle.

"I'm late," he explained, though no explanation was necessary.

After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret'?"

"Because that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary. No one called her 'Mary,'" I whispered. I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting.

Who was this stranger anyway?

"No, that isn't correct," he insisted, as several people glanced over at us whispering, "Her name is Mary, Mary Peters."

"That isn't who this is."

"Isn't this the Lutheran church?"

"No, the Lutheran church is across the street."

"Oh."

" I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir."

The solemnness of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter. I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted as sobs.

The creaking pew gave me away. Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, I could see the man was laughing, too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit. I imagined Mother laughing.

At the final "Amen," we darted out a door and into the parking lot.

"I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled. He said his name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee.

That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor. This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time.

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave we love. This past June we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, "Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in Heaven."

WHO UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Okay, girls! We understand men, don't we? And they are a no-win situation! Here's proof:

- The nice men are ugly.

- The handsome men are not nice.

- The handsome and nice men are gay.

- The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

- The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.

- The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we
are only after their money.

- The handsome men without money are after our money.

- The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.

- The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.

-The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

- The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest inus when we take the initiative.

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy!

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

"Woman's Logic"

1. Women believe if a cat strays it's because of a lack of affection

2. Women believe if a dog strays it's because of a lack of affection.

3. Women believe if a women strays it is because of a lack of affection.

Seen on a Bumper Sticker the other day:

Rated PG Lurker Cynthia in Ohio

(Ooo, men, watch out for this list. The women have had it....)

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.