What P.M.S. Stands For

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! Thisperfect stranger just walked up to me at the party and asked, "How would you like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"

Jill: I can't believe it!

Truth of Life:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your caboose and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism,

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Isn't this true?

Women have only two complaints.

Ladies at Lunch:

Mary: My brother-in-law took my sister to Hawaii for their wedding anniversary.

Jill: That's nice!

Linda: Isn't it? The best I've ever done is get some roses!

Mary: Well, my first husband told me on our first anniversary that I could have anything I wanted.

Jill: Really? What did you want?

Subject: Quotations from women about women.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows. Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I
think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to
someone. -Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being
Hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Brombeck

Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he
can't. -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
Thought Half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body Starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack
me at once. -Jennifer

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two
years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss...and they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. Stephanie Piro

Geriatric Breasts

What do older women have between their breasts that younger women
don't?

THE NINE TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

JOE SENSITIVE:

"After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

OLD MAN GRUMPUS:

"People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

FLINCHY:

"I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

BIGFOOT: "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

LAZYBONES:

"Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

THE SNEAK:

"Who, me?"

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

ACE OF HEARTS:

"After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

THE DREAMER:

"Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

MR. RIGHT:

"While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer

The Ladies at Lunch

Jill: That man at the bar keeps looking at you.

Mary: Do you mean that disreputable-looking fellow who is about to pass out in the free peanuts?

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: There are two men sitting alone at the bar over there.

Jill: So?

Mary: Well, we're two women alone sitting over here at
a table. What do you think that adds up to?

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit,wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.

She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a forest.

The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw."

"I can't help it," the ugly man said.

Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her Tea forthe ladies. In her hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies.

"So Mrs. Rubenstein," she smiled, "have some cookies."

"No thank you," said Mrs. Rubenstein, "They're justdelicious--but I already had four."