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Author Topic: Women Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 12:49 PM                        Rated G I knew my shopping habit had become excessive when my 4-year-old daughter said to me while we were driving home one afternoon... "Mommy, is this the aisle we live on?" ...From Woman's Day Magazine  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 03:21 PM                        Rated G Louise A WOMAN'S LIFE Every minute, to and fro, That's the way my hours go, Bring me this, take me that, Feed the dog, put out the cat, Standing up I eat my toast, Drink my coffee, thaw the roast, Empty garbage, make the bed, Rush to church, wash my head, Sweep the kitchen, wax the floor, Scrub the woodwork, clean the door, Scour the bathtub, then myself, Vacuum carpets, straighten shelves, Eat a sandwich on the run, Now my afternoon's begun. To the soccer game I go, When will I find time to sew? Meet the teacher, stop a fight, See the dentist, change a light, Help with homework, do the wash, Iron the clothes, put on the squash, Shop for groceries, cash a check, Fight the crowds, now I'm a wreck! Dinner time it soon will be, "What's for dinner?" Wait and see! Dirty dishes fill the sink, Make some popcorn and a drink, Will they never go to bed, Will I never get ahead? Bring them water, get the light, Turn of the TV, lock up the bike, Where's my pillow, say your prayers, Did you lock the door downstairs? At last in bed, my spouse and I, Too tired to talk, too weak to cry, And in the dark I hear him say.... "WHAT DO WOMEN DO ALL DAY?!?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 02:19 PM                        Rated G This was forwarded as good advice for women... If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section buy a dog. If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you buy a dog. If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it buy a dog. If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want buy a dog. If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors buy a dog. If you want someone who will never touch the remote,doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies buy a dog. If you wa nt someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores buy a dog. If you want someone who never criticizes what you do,doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually buy a dog. But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then my friend..... Buy a cat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:30 PM                        Rated G Ladies at Lunch Nina and Rosey hadn't seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Nina was stunned at how trim and healthy Rosey looked. "My God," she said, "What do you do to stay so fit?" "Well," answered Rosey, "I've found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs." "Really!" exclaimed Nina, looking her friend up anddown. "You simply must tell me who does your catering!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:33 PM                        Rated G Ladies At Lunch Mary: Did you know that every episode of THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW is prefaced with, "This program may contain adult themes and strong language"? Jill: No, I didn't know that. Mary: I have to think, "Well, why in the hell else do you think we watch this crap?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 12:40 PM                        Rated G A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a salesman,"Do you have anything I could fit into?" "Well,"the man says,"I think I could fit you into that elevator."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 10:40 AM                        Rated G Stephanie in Bridgeport My greatest fear is there is no such thing as [b]PMS and this is really my personality!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:10 AM                        Rated PG Captain Silver Nina and Rosey meet for lunch and Nina seems a little depressed. "Whats wrong Nina? " asks Rosey. Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man. " "Yeah, so, whats the problem?" asks Rosey. "Well, " Nina said, "My friend must have misunderstood me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:29 PM                        Rated G Nancy In Hastings-On-Hudson Things That Become Evident When a Baby Arrives Finally, you have someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so. You develop a liking for mini vans, sensible shoes, and a deep- seated contempt for Michael Jackson. You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you are just FAT. Goodbye, Happy Hour---Hello, Happy Meal!! Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it. For efficiency, your paycheck is now direct-deposited to Disney. You come to the realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 06:07 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee SOONER OR LATER A woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 06:12 PM                        Rated G The Ladies At Lunch Jill: Are you going out again with that hunk from your health club? Mary: No, let me just put it this way: Not all his parts are well-developed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 09:05 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Magic A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage. Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore magic in your life." "Oh, no, there's still some magic! Every Saturday night he disappears.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 06:46 AM                        Rated G PG A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my man, for love to forgive him, and to have patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I'll beat him to death.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 07:03 AM                        Rated G The Ladies at Lunch Mary: And finally my ex said something really stupid. He said, "I've had it! Either the cat goes, or I do!" Jill: Wow! What happened? Mary: Nothing much..I hope he found somewhere to stay!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-04-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee SUE: "Karen, do you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?" KAREN: Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair. SUE: But your husband is still alive. KAREN: I know, but his hair is gone.  |  IP: Logged

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