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Author Topic: SEX Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-20-2010 03:57 PM                        Rated PG... Cletus is passing by Cooter's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Cooter doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Cooter?" "Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Cooter, "but me and the Wife been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."  |  IP: Logged John Wilson Film God Posts: 5438 From: Sydney, Australia. Registered: Dec 1999 posted 02-04-2011 05:34 AM                     Rated R... A man is booking into a motel and seeing himself as a moral, upright citizen he says to the receptionist: "I hope the Porn Channel on the TV in my room will be disabled" To which she answers: "No, it's just regular porn you fuckin' weirdo."  |  IP: Logged Tom Petrov Five Guys Lover Posts: 1121 From: El Paso, TX Registered: Jan 2003 posted 02-06-2011 04:49 AM                    My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend Date: 2010-03-05, 1:18PM EST So you like watching these porn-sluts get pounded and creamed? OK, I get it, I kind of like some of that too. It's rather entertaining, if not slightly disturbing/fascinating to WATCH. But now you're getting all fucked up with me, and although I keep taking it from you, you're probably on the way out, and I'm trying to think of ways to get you back. Because, at the end of the day, the "new" hardcore is rather degrading, and there are too many limits being pushed. Here are a few of mine that keep getting tested: 1) If you don't stop slapping my tits and pinching my nipples that way, you won't ever see them again. I hope you like my parka, cause it's going to become my new lingerie. 2) Don't ever spit on my face again, I think I made that clear, sorry about the sore balls. 3) I used to feel proud that I could swallow, now I feel pretty gross after you dick whip me and make me eat it off your cock and fingers like it's punishment. I would do all that for you anyway, but when you hold my hair and call me names and make me, there's that line I was talking about. 4) Pussy to mouth is kind of freaky, I'm totally ok with that. Ass to mouth is something else altogether, stop even joking about it. If you should ever decide to "forge ahead" with that one and see how it goes, I'll bite your fucking dick off, I swear I will. If I don't manage that in the moment, I'll get you in your sleep. Thanks for listening sweetheart. By the way how did your coffee taste this morning? web page  |  IP: Logged John Wilson Film God Posts: 5438 From: Sydney, Australia. Registered: Dec 1999 posted 02-08-2011 06:24 PM                     WTF??? I'm not really sure where that belongs...but it sure as hell isn't in the joke forum. Hint: Jokes are funny.  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 02-09-2011 12:29 AM                     Totally agree, John. Repulsiveness is not funny.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-13-2011 11:30 PM                        Meanwhile, back at FUNNY, and rated PG... She was standing in the kitchen, making soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast and wearing the t-shirt she slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “Make love to me right now!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks" and returned to the stove, her t-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" "The egg timer's broken."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-16-2012 05:03 PM                        Rated PG... Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please. Cashier: Would you like a paper bag with that, sir? Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly  |  IP: Logged Ian Parfrey Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1049 From: Imbil Australia 26 deg 27' 42.66" S 152 deg 42' 23.40" E Registered: Feb 2009 posted 03-17-2012 05:41 PM                     The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board!' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a shag!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars bar.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 06-12-2012 12:52 PM                        Rated PG... Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?" "Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin’ trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-20-2012 01:10 PM                        Rated PG... Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour. Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-19-2013 09:40 PM                        Rated PG... Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and eveningprayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer." But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means." In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented: "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's bullshit."  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 03-24-2014 12:54 PM                 It has been 369 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-24-2014 12:54 PM                        Rated PG... The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. She said, "Can you get it over the counter?" "I can if I take two," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-30-2014 06:54 PM                        Rated PG... Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit - but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-13-2014 01:39 PM                        Rated PG... An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit, steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. "I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. "If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. "However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, "You-a gonna try again!  |  IP: Logged

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