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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-25-2008 08:07 AM                        Rated XXX Jokester Not What It Seems An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted: "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex." To which Pierre replied, “Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural. "Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2008 07:08 PM                        Rated XX How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2008 09:46 AM                        Rated XXX Denny in Yonkers, NY Subject: Sex Problems 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember, what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-17-2008 07:43 PM                        Rated PG.... Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put that on your bill? 'No!' Donald quacked, 'What kind of a pervert do you think I am?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2008 12:34 PM                        Rated PG Bob Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, 'I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped.' His buddy said, 'I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.She'll probably be thrilled!' So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, 'Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?' 'She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling.... I'll see you in two hours!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2008 01:27 PM                        Rated X Dave in Aurora, Ont. The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2008 02:14 PM                        Rated X Jokester Important Definitions The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so excited you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you." The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front everyone. And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2008 07:43 PM                        Rated R Tony in Old Lyme A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.' The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.' The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 'I have,' says the man. 'And has she helped you in making the decision?' 'Yes, she has,' says the man. 'And what is it?' asks the doctor. 'We're getting new countertops.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2009 07:32 AM                        Rated X Jokester The Day the Penis asked for a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 05-17-2009 03:41 PM                        Rated R.... A young woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is anal sex, and my rectum is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel.' Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?'  |  IP: Logged Phil Hill I love my cootie bug Posts: 7595 From: Hollywood, CA USA Registered: Mar 2000 posted 08-21-2009 02:08 PM                  Rated PG A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, " Marion ...Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times." "Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon." "After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!" "Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-01-2009 02:39 PM                        Rated PG... An 18 year old Jewish girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account. "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account. However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?" The mother, who had remained silent until now, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-10-2009 04:05 PM                        Rated PG... A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. 'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. 'What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?'  |  IP: Logged Frank Angel Film God Posts: 5305 From: Brooklyn NY USA Registered: Dec 1999 posted 11-12-2009 06:14 PM                        The local police station got a complaint call from an elderly woman about a man exposing himself to her. And officer was dispatched to the residence where the old lady greated him and said the man was across the way in his bedroom where he would undress and where she could see him completely naked as he paraded around in his bedroom window. The officer looked out the woman's window, saw the man but didn't see below his waist. He turned to the woman and said he couldn't see any further than the man's chest. The woman pushed a step stool against the window and said, "Here....stand on this."  |  IP: Logged Glen Rich Film Handler Posts: 55 From: Nedlands, Western Australia Registered: Feb 2002 posted 08-18-2010 01:42 AM                     A man walks into a pharmacists shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms son.. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively.. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy,Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...  |  IP: Logged

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