A woman went to the doctor because her husband did not want to have sex with her anymore.

She was worried there might be something wrong with him or her.

So the doctor said "Here, take this pill and put it in some of his mashed potatoes tonight when you eat super. I dont know if it will work and if it does work I dont know how strong it will be."

The lady said, "Thats ok! I will do ANYTHING for sex."

So later that night she put it in his mashed potatoes.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her how everything went.

She goes "It was great Doctor, he pushed all of the dishes to the floor and we had the best sex we have had in months! I loved it!"

The doctor said, "Well if you broke anything then I will pay for it."

funny stuff Mark

Q. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and thePillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A whore, if you catch one you can eat her formonths.

Q. Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A. Kermits Finger

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was
missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job.", the salesman said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ...size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

Joe dies and goes to heaven, where upon entering the pearly gates, he sees his neighbor and friend Kent.

"Hey Joe!" exclaims Kent. "I'm surprised to see you here!"

"Yeah, me too!" replies Joe. "So I guess we're both dead, huh! Say Kent, how did you die?"

Kent replies, "I died of hypothermia. How about you?"

"Well," starts Joe, "I was sure that my wife was cheating on me, so I rushed home from work, barged in the door and while yelling at her, I tore the house up searching for a lover. After I failed to find anyone there, I was so ashamed and heartbroken to
have put my wife through my rantings, that I had a heart attack and died."

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Five men and one woman survive the ordeal by using a raft to float to a deserted island.

After several weeks on the island, they all begin feeling extremely lonely and horny. The all discuss their feelings, and come to an agreement. Each man will have the woman for one week at a time.

So, the first man has the woman for one week. Then, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. This goes on for over two years, and everyone is happy with the plan. Each man gets sex every fifth week, and the woman gets a great variety of delights.

A few weeks into the third year, though, the woman suddenly dies.

Needless to say, the first week following her death is pretty bad. The second week is even worse. The third week is bad beyond words. The fourth week is just awful.
The fifth week is unbearable...

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and
say, "Hi there little boy!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at
him with their pinkies.

They reply, "Well, that is what size we imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man.

His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
$1,000 per visit.

The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour where upon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie.

Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

Riddles     

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch. If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for
It's braille for "suck here".

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn't get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.

Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older she is, the easier it is to pick up.

What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

The Price of Adultery       

A couple have been married for a very long time, and so the wife starts to have an affair.  

After this has been going on for about a week, however, the husband walks in on his wife and her boyfriend in bed together.  The husband immediately grabs the stark-naked boyfriend and leads him out to the tool shed in the back garden.  

He then proceeds to secure the boyfriend's dick in a vice.  

When he then puts a saw next to the boyfriend, the terrified man asks "Are you going to cut of my dick???".

Once there was a white and a black man who worked together and had became pretty good friends. So, one day The black man (Joe), asked his white co-worker (Steve) why he was so happy every morning he came into work. Steve told him he has sex every morning before he leaves for work. Joe repiled damn how do you
do that? Steve said I tell my wife a different poem every day and it gets her horny as hell, Joe said Wow I'll have to try that, So tell me one of your poems. Steve said, ok here's her favorite. " Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue I wanna make sweet love to you".

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of
drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in
today's society.
Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:

DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when
they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.

PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before
starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming
urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up
spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects
extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden
urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after
taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether
the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite
store's return period.

NEGA-VIAGRA: Has the opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. Presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with
other family members.

FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be
doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating
men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men
on Viagra.

PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal
affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three
test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular,
Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standingthere talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilotcouldn't believe how beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, "how can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"

The farmer said, "I trust my wife, she's never been unfaithful."

The pilot then says, "I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."

The farmer thought a little bit and said, "It's a deal."

So, the pilot and the farmers wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.

He sings: "Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours."

Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it, and sang:

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor said, "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doctor said.

"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

This man was very horny, but he did not have a girlfriend, so he went to a nearby cathouse. 

The madame there said "All of my girls are taken, but for $50.00 you can have this six foot chicken." 

So the guy thought for a moment and finally decided to give it a try. 

The next night he got to thinking about the chicken and decided to go back. 

The madame informed him that the chicken was no longer there, but for $20.00 he could go into a room and peep through a hole and take care of himself. 

So the guy said okay and she led him to a room where a few other guys were already peeping. 

When he looked through the hole he saw a couple having a good time on the other side. 

So he leaned over to the guy next to him and said "Hey, that looks pretty good in there, huh?"