Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and
emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Well,yes... he did give me $100."

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

A woman went to a lingerie shop and decided she wanted to surprise her husband that night with a nice pair of crotchless underwear.

When her husband came home later that night, she was laying on the sofa with her legs sprawled out so her husband could see her new underwear.

She said, "Hey, do you want some of this?"

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer, dear?"

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she
ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

This comes from a cartoon:

A man and his wife are down & out, so come nightfall the wife stands on the corner in the bad part of thier town.  

So the husband drives his wife to the corner and says "I will meet you here at At 6:00AM.  

Well, the next morning the husband comes to the corner and picks up his wife then asks her "how much did you make?"  

She said "$40.50"  

The husband said

"What!?!?!?!? .......who gave you fifty cents?"

Movie Theatre

One night, two female friends went to an R rated movie with nudity and sexual scenes.

They were sitting beside an overly horny guy who was touching himself repeatedly.

Finally, one of the women said to the other, "Hey, Sarah, the guy beside me is masturbating!"

Her friend said, "Don't worry about it, just ignore him!" T

An out of work gentleman had answered the sex shop's job advertisement and was being interviewed by the shop's owner. "So, have you had any experience in this line of work?" asked the shop owner.

"No, none," said the applicant.

"Well, that's okay," the owner said, and proceeded to tell the young man that he was due in a meeting shortly and that he would have the run of the shop to himself for a while.

"Wait a minute," the applicant said. "I just told you I don't have any experience."

"That's okay," said the owner. "All you have to have really is a little knowledge about dildos. For instance......this white one here is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And this black one is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars."

The young man thought to himself for a minute and told the owner he could handle it. No sooner had the owner stepped out for his meeting, then an attractive lady walked into the shop. "Excuse me sir, could you help me find a dildo?", she asked.

"Why of course," the young man said. "We have a white one here that is 10 inches long and costs 15 dollars. And we have a black one beside it that is 15 inches long and costs 25 dollars."

The lady looked them over and said, "they're both nice, but how much is that plaid one up on the top shelf?"

"Oh," the man explained, "that one is 50 dollars."

"I'll take it," she said, and walked out of the shop with her new purchase.

An hour or so later, the owner returned and asked his new helper how his first day was. "Did you sell any dildos," he asked.

Once, this man wanted to go get drunk with his buddies, but he told them he wouldn't be able to make it because his wife would be mad, which meant no sex.

The guy's friends told him to have a few beers, go home, and give his wife oral sex, no questions asked.

He agreed, had a few drinks, and headed home to see if the plan would work.

He slid under the covers, and proceeded in giving his wife oral sex. She was moaning and groaning, and he though, "Yep, I am off the hook now!"

After he was done, he went into the bathroom, where his wife was brushing her teeth. "How did you do that?" He questioned loudly.

A little boy wanted to know what a vagina looks like, so he asked his father.

"Well," his father said, "before sex, a vagina is like a beautiful pink flower with soft satiny petals and a wonderful aroma."

His father was silent for a moment, and the boy asked, "What does it look like after sex?"

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an expensive department store and approached the sales lady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28 AAAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative

So she left the store and proceded to another department store where she was given similar treatment.

A prostitute walks in a H&R block to do her taxes,so she sits down and, the man starts asking her for information and, he starts with "ok how old are you"?

She tells him "25" then he says "ok where do you live"? she tells him "New York" then he proceeds to get all this info. about her then he asks "what do you do"? and she looks around and whispers "I am a whore" the man says "WHAT? Lady I can't put that into the computer"

She says, "Well I am sorry I don't know what else to tell you".

He says "You have to think of something else or we can't go on"

She says " well.......let's see............I KNOW I am a chicken farmer"

Then he goes " Ha what makes you think your a chicken farmer?"

There are two old-maid sisters...both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin...I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...11 o'clock...12 o'clock....

Finally about One Fifteen, the front door flies open. In runs Gladys, straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

A young man was dating a woman that he wanted to go to bed with in the worst possible way. He FINALLY talks her into a "quickie".

As they were crawling back into the front seat of the car after the deed, he said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time."