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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:09 PM                        Rated G thewhiterabbit The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!" The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes! "The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!" The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?" The Italian man said "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2007 07:03 AM                        Rated X Denny in Yonkers A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HAND JOB: $1000. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you? 'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?' 'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.' The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-12-2007 03:49 PM                        Rated PG... A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ... all he wants is anal sex and my ass is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece." Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman ... you live in an 8 bedroom mansion ... you drive a Ferrari ... you get $1000 a week allowance ... you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents!!!!!!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2007 04:39 PM                        Rated XXX Direct from Hollywood Top Ten Country Western Songs 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few. 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'. 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win. 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here. 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him. 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger. 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer. And the Number One Country & Western song is... 1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2008 09:17 AM                        Rated G TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2008 02:57 PM                        Rated XXX You have to follow the recipe!!!!!!!! A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. 'Damn Bob, you're hung!' Phil exclaims. 'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.' 'What do you mean?' Phil asked. 'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night Rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.' Phil agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Phil how his situation was. Phil replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!' 'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?' 'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.' 'Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. 'Damm it, Phil, Crisco is shortening ! MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 08:11 AM                        Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. ! The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out..... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2008 08:24 AM                        Rated X A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows. 'Twenty dollars...' she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2008 07:40 PM                        Rated X Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House." "Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!" "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 04:18 PM                        Rated XXX A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you." "Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the fuck are you?" the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2008 08:27 PM                        Rated PG The Check-in Desk A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness timidly approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel. "Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?" "Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2008 08:54 PM                        Rated X AH MAN, THIS IS NOT GOOD! A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do. Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" She replied,?"Because I really miss mine."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2008 10:23 AM                        Rated X The Internet is Like a Penis It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-21-2008 09:56 AM                        Rated G Jokester Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless your not getting any.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-30-2008 07:41 AM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. ----- Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman. The medicine woman says, 'I can cure this.' That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. She collects the ash, then she says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine woman replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!' Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?' And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.  |  IP: Logged

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