Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one." says the other cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in
backwards?

A: It keeps coming, and coming, and coming...

Signs She's Bored Having Sex......

* She is very upset when the ashtray falls off you butt.

* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

* Bangs her head on the headboart BEFORE you begin.

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

* Only moans during commercial breaks.

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman.

No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard,and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

College of Fine Arts: Life Drawing

When I was an undergraduate in the College of Fine Arts at U.T., one of the required courses was Life Drawing. Mind you, it was NOT still life with positioned buckets of fruit, vases with flowers or porcelain figurines. It was drawing male and female nude models, hired by the Art Department.

At first, I was very, VERY bashful about looking at a naked person and drawing them, but I got used to it after a week or so.

One of our male models, tall, slim and good looking, was sitting in a chair, naked, reading (hiding behind) a newspaper at the beginning of class, and everyone wondered silently why we were taking so long to get started.

I went wandering around the class and eventually got close enough
to the model to discover why the delay...

He was hiding behind the newspaper because he was sporting a HUGE
erection...

Q. What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?

A couple had just returned from a date. They were at her place and were sitting on the sofa, making out.

Nibbling her earlobe, he whispered, "You know, I'd like a little
pussy."

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

"Park Bench"

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said,"I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic
gold-medal winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto.

Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

A midget walked into a whore house, he wanted to have some fun, but none of the girls wanted to take him upstairs. So they drew straws.

Suzy was the unlucky girl who got the longest straw. She took the midget by the hand like a child and lead him upstairs.

A few minutes passed and the other whores heard a scream. They ran up stairs to see what was the matter with Suzy. They opened the door to find Suzy passed out on the floor and the midget standing naked with a 3 foot long cock!

The whores where dumbfounded!Finally one of the whores said "excuse me sir, do you mind if we touch that?"

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