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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 12:50 PM                        Rated G All John asked for was a little good-night kiss,but Jill haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don't do that sort of thing on my first date!" "Well," John replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last date?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 07:30 PM                        Rated R FRENCH NECROPHILIA A Frenchman was brought into court and told he was being charged with Necrophilia. The Frenchman said, "Sacre'bleu...thees cannot be!" "Sir," continued the judge, "the woman you slept with last night was DEAD!!" The Frenchman replied, "DEAD!! I jeez zought she was ENGLISH!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 06:05 PM                        Rated X Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-25-2002 06:07 PM                        Rated X At the retreat, Jill and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Jill wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' And John wrote: 'I love sex.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 12:08 PM                        Rated XXXX Baseball Sex! The old rules (baseball sex terms) 1st base = Kissing 2nd base = Tongue kissing 3rd base = Hands down partner's pants Home run = Sex Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings) On deck = Having plans for a date Strike out = Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up Walk = Kissing Bunt = Masturbation Single = tongue kissing Double = Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feeling Triple = Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual masturbation Inside the park home run = Oral sex Home run = Sex Ground out double = Would have sex, no condom Relief pitcher = Vibrator Error = condom breaking during sex Banned for life for gambling = Having sex with out a condom Hall of fame = Marriage Rain delay = Parents/Room mate come home early Box seats = Water bed Seventh inning stretch = Unusual positions Rookie = Virgin Minor leagues = Under 18 Grand slam = Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 09:07 PM                        Rated G "Would you like to hear my sexual philosophy?" the boss asked the new coder. "Why yes sir, I think that would be interesting,"she responded. "It's really quite simple," he said. "Get it Up...Get in In... Get it Off... and Get it Home." "Hmmmmmmm," she mused. "Sounds like the Four-Get-It system to me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2002 07:05 AM                        Rated PG SEX ISSUES Martin goes to see a therapist. During the session the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?" "I have a lot of issues with sex," Martin replies. "What kind of issues?" the therapist asks. "Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2002 07:08 AM                        Rated X SEX CALORIE GUIDE It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results. REMOVING HER CLOTHES: With her consent....................... 12 Calories Without her consent.................... 187 Calories OPENING HER BRA: With both hands........................ 8 Calories With one hand.......................... 12 Calories With your teeth........................ 85 Calories PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE: With an erection....................... 6 Calories Without an erection.................... 315 Calories PRELIMINARIES: Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories POSITIONS: Missionary............................. 12 Calories 69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories 69 standing up......................... 112 Calories Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories ORGASMING: Real................................... 112 Calories False.................................. 315 Calories POST ORGASM: Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...... 816 Calories GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are: 20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories 30-39 years............................ 80 Calories 40-49 years............................ 124 Calories 50-59 years............................ 972 Calories 60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories 70 and over......................... Results are still pending DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS: Calmly................................. 32 Calories In a hurry............................. 98 Calories With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2002 07:51 AM                        Rated X A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot,and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," he said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded ... "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:56 AM                        Rated G This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says, "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk,and he bangs her.The next night, he runs into the same hooker.They go under the boardwalk,only this time while he's banging her,she blasts two incredible farts.When they get done,he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars. She says,"What's the extra five?" He says,"That's for blowing the sand off my balls."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 11:48 AM                        Rated R A man went to the Doctor's office asking for a double dose of Viagra. The Doctor told him he couldn't allow him to have a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it is not safe," replied the Doctor. "Please Doctor" The man plead, "I need it really badddd!!!!!!" "Well, why do you need it so bad?" asked the Doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, my wife is coming home on Sunday. I must have a double dose." The Doctor relented saying, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you have to report to me on Monday morning, so I can check you to see if there are any side effects." On Monday morning, the man dragged himself in, his arm in a sling and looking awful. "My God!! ... What happened to you?" the doctor asked. The man replied pitifully ... "No one showed up!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2002 01:29 PM                        Rated R I went to a Christmas party the other night and was having a real blast. After I'd been there a few hours(and several, several drinks), I noticed this fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She was in her early to mid twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built. The amazing thing was, she kept staring at me and smiling. Naturally, being a man, I decided to go try my luck. Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I went over and stuck up a conversation with her(don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting). Well one thing led to another and she invited me back to her place and being the gentleman I am, I said OK. I'm not going to go into all the details of the night(mainly because I don't remember), but I awoke the next morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying. I thought now this is great, I think I might have a keeper here. I got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When I got there her mom(looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove. Embarrassed, I stammered where's your daughter? She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, I don't have a daughter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2002 10:05 AM                        Rated X Jill gets a new job working in a sperm bank, and her friends ask her what she does there. Jill says, "Well I just sit in the reception area and greet all the men who come in, and I act cordial to all of them. I point out to them where they should go, and when they come out, I say Thank You For Coming."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 11:11 AM                        Rated G Sex and Athletics It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 09:44 AM                        Rated R Take the test, you know you Want To Official - Joke Forum - Sex Quiz --------------------------- 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 3. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 4. The term "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird True\False --------------------------------------------------------- 5. A fallopian tube is part of a television. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 6. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket. True \ Flase --------------------------------------------------------- 7.Copulation is sex between two consenting policemen.True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 8. McDonald's Golden Arches is a phallus symbol. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 9. A vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 10. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 11. Fellatio is an Italian dagger. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 12. A G-string is a weapon used by G-men. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 13. Semen is a term for sailors. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 14. An anus is a Greek work denoting period of time. True\False --------------------------------------------------------- 15. Testicles are found on an octopus. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 16. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak Four languages. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 17. Asphalt is a medical term used to describe someone with rectal problems. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 18. KOTEX is a radio station in Dallas, Texas. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 19. Masturbate is something used to catch large fish. True\False --------------------------------------------------------- 20. Coitus is a musical instrument. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 21. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 22. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 23. A condom is an apartment complex. True \ False --------------------------------------------------------- 24. A rectum is what you are for taking this test True\False  |  IP: Logged

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