As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked,
"Have you just gotten out of prison?"

"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess?

Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"

"Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

In the bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies".

Things Overheard While Having Sex

"A hundred bucks?!? What can I get for ten?"

"Mmmmm, yeah baby, take it off! C'mon, nice & slow ... That's
goo--AAAARRGGGG!! Disconnected again! Friggin' AOL!!!"

"Dammit! They just don't make these colostomy bags as strong as
they used to!"

"Oooh, you're so BIG! Oooh, you're so POWERFUL! Oooh, your
batteries just died!"

" ... 'Rectum? It nearly killed him.' Get it?
Wait ... come back!"

"No, really, I always yawn like that when I climax."

"It's called a 'bra.' Women wear them under their clothes."

"Don't laugh -- if *all* penises were this small, birth control
would be a thing of the past!"

"OK, now put on the Deanna Troi mask and say 'Captain, I can
sense your throbbing manhood!' ...No, no, try it again with more
accent!"

"Oh, Baby! Here I expected 5, and you whip out 13!!"

"Well, what you lack in size, you make up for in speed."

"Top 5? C'mon, it's more like the Top 3 1/2!"

"Wait! Wait! We can't start until I find my beret!!"

"Dammit Mom! Knock first!"

"OK, this time, *you* be Martha Stewart and *I'll* be Rico the
gardener."

"Look, lover boy, $120 means $120 -- I don't give a shit if that
works out to $240 a minute."

"Mind if I wedge my calculator under your breast there while
we're doing this?"

"Shave it? You're lucky I washed it."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I *WAS* the original body model
for the Ken doll. How in the world did you guess?"

"Baa-a-a-a-a"

SIGNS SHE'S GETTING BORED HAVING SEX:

* Gets very upset when ashtray falls off your butt.

* Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

* Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin>

* You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

* Only moans during commercial breaks.

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament,he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.

So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in.

She says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

John decided to visit his co-worker, Lois, who was recently injured in an automobile accident. She had her leg in a cast because of her knee injury. He purchased a small floral gift and, after work, went over to her house to pay his visit.

After a few minutes of relating work issues and catching up on all the related work talk from the other co-workers, Lois asked him to fetch her slippers from upstairs. He said, "Of course I will!"

Upstairs, he noticed her 16 and 18 year old daughters lounging in their bedroom and thought to himself that Lois never mentioned how gorgeous they were. Just looking at them got him aroused, and he said to them, "Your mom told me I was to come up here and have sex with both of you."

The two young ladies said, "No way!"

He called downstairs to Lois, "BOTH OF THEM?"

A guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his buddy at work for advice.

"Listen," said the inept guy, "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"

"Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast. Keep doing that and they come everytime."

The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.

He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment.He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The Madam says,"Sir,I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to,I'm available."

So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" And his weenie`s to a full 12 inches.

So they have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed.

"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says,"No, madam,no.I have come to bury Caesar,not to praise him."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."

Do you know why it's called sex?

What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Why were there only 49 contestants at the Miss Ebonics USA pageant?
No one wanted to stand up and say. . .Idaho...

What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.

Do you know the difference between medium and rare?
Medium is 6 inches. Rare is 9 inches or more.

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.

"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the Teamster said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."