The guy I dated tonight turned out to be a sadist," reported the girl.

"You mean literally--whips and that sort of thing?" asked her roommate.

There is an old lady who always sat on her front porch naked.

One day an old man walked by and said what is that I see?

The old lady replied that's my washing machine. The old man asked can I come in and do my laundry then.

The old lady said why sure.So they go inside and "do his laundry".

The next day the old man walked by again and asked the old lady what's that I see?

I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69.

What is a 6.9?

Simon was a highranking official in King Edward's court. He had one longstanding wish -- to suck the Queen's voluptuous breasts to his heart's desire. Every time he passed the Queen, he got frustrated.

One day, he revealed his desire to the King's chief adviser, Anthony, and begged him to do something about it.

Anthony, after much thought, agreed on the condition that, afterward, Simon would have to pay Anthony 1,000 gold coins for arranging things.

Simon agreed.

The next day Anthony prepared a high voltage itching lotion and poured it into the Queen's bra which she had left out while she was taking a bath.

Soon the itching started and grew in intensity, much to the King's anxiety.

Consultations with doctors and Anthony revealed that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure it. Anthony also added that such saliva was only to be found in Simon's mouth.

King Edward summoned Simon, and for the next four hours Simon violently sucked the Queen's breasts.

Licking, biting, pressing, playing, he got what he always desired. Satisfied, he returned and met Anthony, but since his mission was over and his lust satisfied, he refused to pay Anthony anything, and in fact he shooed him away.

Simon, of course knew that Anthony could never report this matter to the King. But Simon had underestimated Anthony.

Next day, Anthony duly put the same itching lotion in King Edward's underwear.

Once there was a philosopher doing a survey on a group of men on the topic of happiness.

He said "I can prove to you that the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have!"

To prove this he glanced at the audience and saw a man at the right hand corner, smiling, "Sir, How often do you have sex ?" he asked

"Once a month." the man answered

Looking for another happy face, he spotted a man in the middle, having a bigger smile.

"Sir, How often do you have sex?"

"Once a week. " the man shouted

Trying to prove his theory further, he saw another man laughing. "You seem to be a very happy man, how often do you have sex?"

"Well, ... everyday" the happy man answered.

"There, I am right ...the amount of happiness has relation to the amount of sex you have" said the philosopher.

But far off at the end of the room, he saw a man with his hands in the air. Laughing and jumping with so much happiness. So the philosopher said to him "You sure look like a very happy man?"

"Yes, Yes .. Yes," answered the very happy man

"So how often do you get to have sex?" the philosopher asked

The man answered "Once a year...." The puzzled and embarrassed philosopher looked at the man and said "WHAT ???

...Then why are you so happy ??"

SEX GUIDE FOR IDIOTS

1. Speed is not a virtue.

2. Abstinence is not a kinky position

3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

4. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other

5. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone

6. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you will suffer major physical pain

7. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary

8. Don't tell a female date that you have a severe Oedipus complex

9. A bad line to use is, "They took 40% off during my circumcision"

10. Oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'

As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep.

Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.  I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme three boxes!"

The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.  The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BenGay?!?!?! You're not going to put BenGay on  that are you?"

Rated XXX Explicit

WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3'' and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

WELLHUNG: OK

SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you're bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really.

SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!

Well that pig started looking better and better to the poor guy, and eventually he rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it, and proceeded to attempt to seduce it...

The dog however was *not* happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy, until he reluctanly removed his arm from the pig.

They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, who swam ashore, and found the guy with his animals.

After awhile the four of them sat together on the beach to view the sunset.

It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze,
perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote 'When two people love each other very much, like and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex.'

Mom and little girl at the toyduring the counter Christmas rush.

Little girl: "Mom, I want Barbie with G.I. Joe".

Mom: "Sweetie, you know Barbie comes with Ken...".

What's the difference between hard and light?

One day a milkman was delivering milk to houses that weren't on his route.

He just happened to walk up to a house where a lonely beautiful woman lived.

He decided to try to find out why she was crying.

He asked the lady what was wrong and she told him that her husband was gone at war, that she felt lonely and that she needed sex badly.

So the milkman offered himself to her and she accepted. They were going at it for a couple hours when a car pulled up in the driveway.

The lady jumped up off of the man and ran to the window to see who it was.

When she saw who it was her eyes opened in shock.

The milkman got scared and asked what she saw.

She said her husband just pulled up in the driveway with a pack of flowers and candy.

The milkman said "oh no how do I get out of here, where do I go."

The lady told him to hide in the closet and she'll stall her husband so he can excape.

When the milkman got in the closet the lady;s period came so she grabbed two tampoons wiped up her stuff and threw them in the closet.

Her husband came in picked her up and took her to their room. They shagged for two weeks straight then her husband went back to war.

When he left the lady started to cry again because she felt lonely once again.

She started to clean up the house because it was what she liked to do while she was depressed.

When she opened the closet door she saw a sleeping milkman and screamed.

The milkman woke up and said its about time.

The lady said are you ok.