7 wise men with minds divine,
created a pussy to their design.

1st was the butcher, smart with wit,
with his knife he created a slit.

2nd was the carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel he made a hole.

3rd was the tailor, tall and thin,
with red velvet he lined within.

4th was the hunter, short and stout,
with a fox skin he lined without.

5th was the fisherman, mean as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

6th was the preacher whose name was MaGee,
he touched, blessed it, and said it could pee.

Things Not To Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time... right? Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen ''Fatal Attraction''?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in the desert.

Tonto places his ear to the ground and announces, "Buffalo come."

Amazed, the lone ranger inquires, "How can you tell?"

Student: In your last paper you mentioned something about 6.9.

What's 6.9

Teacher: A good time interrupted by a period.

*************************************************************
Sex is not the answer.

Sex is the question.

Zeus and Thor are up on Mt. Olympus and Thor is moping around looking really depressed.

Zeus asks Thor what's wrong.

Thor says he's really depressed as he misses the companionship and love of a woman.

Zeus tells Thor that he'll fix the problem and sends Thor down to earth. Thor lands in the backyard of an Australian woman hanging out clothes on the line and they run inside for a weekend of passionate lovemaking.

After the weekend Thor is back at Mt. Olympus walking around with a big grin on his face.

Zeus sees him and asks him was it a success.

Thor says yes, it was just what he needed.

Zeus asks him details of what happened and then asks Thor what the woman's name was.

Thor cannot answer him, as he did not bother to find out.

Zeus, in a fit of rage, sends Thor back down to find out the woman's name.

Arriving in the backyard of the Australian woman (who is again hanging out her clothes) he calls out, ''Hi, I'm Thor.''

Sex N Football

Do you remember primary school/junior high/high school? Do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?

... Well forget 'em!! This is **FOOTBALL**. With the all new standardized guide to Football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember what second base was or any of that shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in Baseball and not Football! Quite simply, Baseball is a boring, confusing, and often an ambiguous game especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at.

Basically the game of Football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered that yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved here, in The Original Handbook of Football!

Okay now for the yard lines.
Your 10 yrd ln.....holding hands "

20 yrd ln.....hugging "

30 yrd ln.....kiss on the cheek "

40 yrd ln.....kiss on the mouth "

50 yrd ln.....tongue kiss (mid-field means it's serious)

His/Her 40 yrd ln.....shirt and bra off

(feeling and carousing) 30 yrd ln.....all clothes off

20 yrd ln.....oral sex 1st and goal..put on the condom

Goal line.....touchdown (sexual intercourse)

Now for some important definitions:

Kickoff-- making the first move (asking for a date) Kicking itdeep-- asking out a virgin (starting out deep in your own end)

On-side kick-- asking out a slut/stud (starting out close to mid-field)

Kick returns-- how far you go on the first date

Downs-- attempt to get more yards (2 down and then you have to punt again)

You get an extra down in the NFL Running the ball-- taking it a yard at a time Passing-- skipping stages / yards Fumble-- impotency Fumble recovery-- regain erection Interception-- going the other way (homosexuality)

Turnover-- Field Goal-- only one of you has orgasm (she fakes it)

Touchdown-- mutual orgasm

Extra point-- the smoke afterwards 2 point conversion-- a smoke and a phone # High Scoring

Game--multiple orgasms Rain delay-- Parents/ roomate comes back early

Some important positions:

Quarterback-- the most important placement (missionary position) Quarterback sneak-- unusual positions Hupper (center

-- doggie style Tight End--self-explanatory Wide Receiver

-- opposite of a tight end Nose Tackle-- self-explanatory

Running Back-- a hand off Defensive Line-- protection (all forms)

Break in the defense-- condom breaks

Penalties: Roughing--S & M Holding-- rope burn or hand cuffs

Offside-- premature ejactulation

Other important terms: Pile up-- orgy Tackle-- kick in groin (stopped) Miss the FG-- wide right, wide left, or short 3rd down and inches-- call for yard stick (measurements) Superbowl--

Marriage Grey Cup-- live in (not full status)

Fiesta Bowl-- Sex in South America

The Plays:

Play 1. There was on an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver but it turned out to be a tight end, so there was a turnover.

Play 2. The ball was kicked deep withno return. I ran the ball to mid-field but decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a rain delay. When the game resumed, the next down was when the running back took it to the 10 yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Hupper to the Quarterback and then thre was a quarterback sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!

Play 3. I was tacked in the massive pile up...

Play 4. It was 3rd down and inches on the 20 yard line but on the Field Goal attempt I was short.

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?

Advantages

1. It can get really weird

2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings

3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one

4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $30.00

5. You get to watch your best friends making love

6. You get to get watched making love

7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed

8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing

9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms

10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out

11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it

12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left

13. Three-person showers are fantastic

14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better

15. Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird

2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings

3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off

4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt

5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows

6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like

7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them

8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks

9. Morning breath multiplied by 3

10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want

11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want

12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships

13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple

14. Sorting clothes quickly when the significant other walks in assumes comical proportions

Our hero grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

''What are you doing, Pierre?'' says the startled Marie.

''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!''

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, ''Pierre, kiss me lower.'' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

''Pierre! what are you doing?!'' asks the bewildered Marie.

''I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!''

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ''Pierre, kiss me lower!''

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, ''Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?''

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, ''I am Pierre the fighter pilot!

Cyber-Sex Script

WELLHUNG: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

SWEETHEART: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

WELLHUNG: I'm 6'3'' and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

SWEETHEART: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

WELLHUNG: OK

SWEETHEART: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

WELLHUNG: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

SWEETHEART: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you're bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

WELLHUNG: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

SWEETHEART: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.

WELLHUNG: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

SWEETHEART: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

WELLHUNG: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

SWEETHEART: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

WELLHUNG: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm so sorry; Really.

SWEETHEART: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

WELLHUNG: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

SWEETHEART: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

WELLHUNG: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

SWEETHEART: Why don't you take off your glasses?

WELLHUNG: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

SWEETHEART: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

WELLHUNG: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

SWEETHEART: Hurry back, lover.

WELLHUNG: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

SWEETHEART: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

WELLHUNG: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

SWEETHEART: What's the matter now?

WELLHUNG: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

SWEETHEART: Mmm, yes. Come on.

WELLHUNG: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

SWEETHEART: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

WELLHUNG: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

SWEETHEART: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

WELLHUNG: I'm flaccid.

SWEETHEART: What?

WELLHUNG: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

SWEETHEART: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

Bob walked into a bar to see his good friend Joey looking extremely happy, happier than ever. Bob walked over to Joey and said, "What's up, man?"

Joey replied, "Oh, Bob, it's so wonderful! You would neverbelieve! You know the yacht I have on the other side of the river? Well last night I was standing in front of it and aGORGEOUS blonde walked up to me. Tits a size B, man! Tits size B! She asked me for a ride in my yacht to get to the other side.I said sure. When we got exactly into the middle of the river, I pulled down my pants and said, 'Sex or swim?' And she couldn'tswim, man. She couldn't swim!"

Bob thought this could make anyone feel great, and so he congratulated Joey and went home. The next day, Bob went back to the bar and saw Joey looking extremely glorified. He was smiling so wide and laughing very loud. Bob went over to him and said, "What's up, man?"

Joey replied, "Oh, Bob, it's so wonderful! You would never believe! Last night I was standing in front of my yacht and aGORGEOUS red head walked up to me. Tits a size C, man! size C! Tits Even bigger than the blonde's the other night! She asked
me for a ride in my yacht to get to the other side. I said sure. When we got exactly into the middle of the river, I pulled down my pants and said, 'Sex or swim?' And she couldn't swim, man!She couldn't swim!"

Bob agreed that this was terrific, patted his friend on the back, and went home. Finally, he came back to the bar the next day, and saw his friend Joey at the bar looking humiliated. He was miserable, crying, and drinking the strongest liquor imagionable. Bob went over to his friend worriedly and asked, "What's up, man?"

Two guys are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first guy says that his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other guy asks what the position is and how to do it.

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.

Which title did you rent?"