Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blowjob.

She said to her mom "Mom, how much did you charge for a blowjob in your day?" her mm said "$50.00, why?" "Oh, just wondered."

She asked her grandma the same thing and she said "$25.00." She then asked her great grandma who said:

"Well, because it was the war, we didn't charge anything, as we were greatful for a warm drink!!!!"

******

How can you make five pounds of glistening, wobbily fat look appealing?

A Night Out 
 
Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???

His story:

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line.  She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" down on her inner left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?"

Well, with the Emmies called off again, allow to to anticipate one of the jokes that hostess Ellen DeGeneres might have told in light of the show having been set up to be broadcast from sites on either coast.

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works. 

"Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?" 

"No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"  

..........................................................................................................................

Las Vegas is a wild town.

An hour after I had checked into a hotel, the house detective knocked on the door and said, "Do you have a woman in there?"

Did you hear about Playboy for married men?

They have the same centerfold every month.

***************************************

Prostitute's Prayer:

SEX GUIDE FOR IDIOTS

1. Speed is not a virtue.

2. Abstinence is not a kinky position

3. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god.

4. Oral sex does not mean talking to each other

5. A condom is not needed for when you are doing it alone

6. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight. If this happens be sure you pay her, otherwise you will suffer major physical pain

7. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary

8. Don't tell a female date that you have a severe Oedipus complex

9. A bad line to use is, "They took 40% off during my circumcision"

A farm boy who had just finished his schooling on the farm, was sent by his Ma and Pa to the big city to go to college.

The first thing the boy does when he gets to town, is go to find a whorehouse.

He goes inside to talk to the madam about getting a girl. She leads him upstairs, opens the door to a room and tells him to sit and wait for the girl to arrive.

After several minutes of anxious waiting, a young, blonde prostitute comes in.

The boy is beside himself, and he leaps up from the bed, grabs the television, and throws it out the window.

The girl thinks this is odd behavior, but she shrugs it off, and begins to undress.

As she strips, the farmboy runs over, grabs the night stand and throws it out the window.

Again the girl thinks this is odd, but being an experienced hooker, she figures it's a fetish and continues disrobing.

The girl removes her panties, and with that, the farm boy grabs the entire bed and starts lugging it toward the window.

The girl, figuring this is one even she hasn't heard of, finally asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

1. Is it any coincidence that your blouse matches the color of my sheets?

2. Nice shoes, Wanna screw?

3. The magic word for the day is legs. Want to get together later and spread the word?

4. I know 400 ways to make you squeal. I'm working on 401. Care to assist?

5. Guy: Would you be offended if I told you that your hair smells nice?

Girl: Not at all.

There are three types of sex in a marriage.

The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex.

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs.

There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says, "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have anal sex with you."

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" He replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

The father shouts back, "Yes, both of them!"

2 Inches

Guy, naked in front of the mirror: "Two inches more, and I would be a king."

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?I canna button me pants."

"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dish pan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.

"About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My god,what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"