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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated PG After testimony in Los Angeles from lap-dancers and customers, the decision about banning lap-dancing has been postponed for further study. -- Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:46 PM                        Rated G Michele The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired. By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 04:40 AM                        Rated G Michele Looking for a little variety in his sex life, the husband bought a computer and started exploring the Internet. He stumbled onto IRC chat and next thing ya know, he was heavily into NetSex. Well,one late-nite session was going really hot and heavy,but for some reason the one partner stopping typing. Thinking that his hot lil' number had been disconnected,the man typed:"Are you still there?" The reply appeared back on his screen:"Wait a minute, my mom just came into the room."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated R Michele Monica Lewinsky will market a super premium cigar this summer. While most super premium cigars are soaked in brandy, whiskey or cognac; Monica will soak hers in cider.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated PG The difference between a German,a French and a Russian woman? After their wedding-night the German girl asks her new man: " Have you slept well ?" The French woman asks: "Did you find me exciting, honey ?" And the Russian wife: "Igor, are you still alive ?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 03:07 PM                        Rated X Party All Night A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice" (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm." Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? " "The girls never showed up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 11:36 AM                        Rated R A boy is wandering around his house but can't find anyone. Finally, he goes into his grandparents room and they're having sex. He's asks them what they're doing and his grandfather replies: "We're playing poker and your grandmother is my wildcard." The little boy next walks into his parents' room and they are also having sex. He once again asks what they are doing and his father replies: "We're playing poker and your mother is my wildcard." The little boy then walks down to his older brother's room and finds him jerking off. The little boy asks: "Where is your wildcard?" His older brother replies: "You don't need a wildcard when you've got a good hand."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-10-2003 07:01 PM                        Rated R Michele As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly," she said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN!'"  |  IP: Logged Manny Knowles "What are these things and WHY are they BLUE???" Posts: 4247 From: Bloomington, IN, USA Registered: Feb 2002 posted 07-13-2003 08:56 PM                     RATED X A mosquito was fucking an elephant one day. As you might imagine, the elephant was totally unaware of the mosquito's presence or the fact that sex was being had back there. And, so she went about her business. That is, until a coconut fell from a tree and hit the beast on the head. The blow from above caused the elephant to emit a loud, trumpet sound. To which, the mosquito replied: "That's right! TAKE IT BITCH!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:40 AM                        Rated X Captain Silver Penis Facts Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons.Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200 Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7 Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150 Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches Average length when erect: 5.1 Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale) Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising,lose weight Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60% Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54% Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41% Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks Average # of erections per day for a man: 11 Average # of erections during the night: 9 Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance) Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation) Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100 Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm # of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6 In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples:oranges,mangos, kiwi,lemons, grapefruit,limes,Labatt Blue,Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun) Odors that increase blood flow to the penis:lavender,licorice, chocolate,doughnuts,pumpkin pie. Yes,the penis does shrink in the shower. It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection. Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 02:26 PM                        Rated G Michele "Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 10:59 AM                        Rated G What did the sign on the door of the house of ill-repute say? We're closed.........Beat it!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 06:05 AM                        Rated G Michele As a hooker was dressing,she turned to her customer and asked,"Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied."How did you guess?Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly," she said."But more because when we finished,you ran around in front of me, bent over,and shouted, 'YOUR TURN!'" [ 07-18-2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 11:57 AM                        Rated PG sonata One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife,"I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips,handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine!What ever are we going to do???" "Well," replied the man..."I guess a spanking is out of the question?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-22-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G Michele Sex is now classified as a misdemeanor.....the more you miss, da meaner ya get.  |  IP: Logged

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