A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge said, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

Reputed to be a true story...

It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).

When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring.

He tried again. On the second try the dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. The telephone repairman climbed down from the pole to investigate and found:

1. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via

an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving a 90 volt signaling current.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and

urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed

With the immense popularity of Viagra it's not surprising that the company has now started to produce versions of the drug for specific groups of customers:

A father suspected that his son was bringing his girlfriend home from school so that he could have sex with her in the treehouse. The father decided that it was time to put an end to this practice and hid in the foliage above the treehouse. Just as he had expected the son and his girlfriend came into the treehouse and were soon hard at it.

The father was just about to put a stop to the act when the son cried out "Father, Father, up above, Give me strength for one more shove" and without any delay the father replied "Son, Son, down below, Move aside and give me a go".

I hear they just arrested a fellow who talks dirty to plants.

"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all." --

Why Most Professions Are Dirty

The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."

The Dentist because he says, "Open wide."

The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"

The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

The Banker because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."

The Mailman because he always delivers his package.

The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

A guy picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.

"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," he replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

There will be a new soft drink on the market soon
that will contain Viagra.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world.

Those that want to get ahead, and those that just want to get head.

Bill: Did I tell you about the worst blowjob I ever got?

Doug: No I don't think so.

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.

9) The word ''commitment'' doesn't scare off chocolate.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

6) You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

2) ''If you love me you'll swallow that'' has real meaning with chocolate.

Freshman Guide to Bra Removal

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot. WHAT YOU NEED

1) Girl with bra

2) Two functional hands

3) Common Sense TECHNIQUES

1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"

2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.