LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR OLDER PERSONS

Put bifocals on.

Double check that you're with the right partner.

Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.

Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!

Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!

An explorer is searching in the Amazon jungle for this lost tribe whose women are reputed to have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long.

Finally he finds the tribe and is invited to sit down with the chief.

"Is it correct," he says to the chief, "that your women have vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?"

"That correct, man," says the chief.

"However do you manage to have sex with women with vaginas that are three inches wide and twelve inches long?" inquires the explorer.

101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

What tampon?

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream gives me the shits.

Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

(Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

So, how's your mother?

Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a sickening confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you cum yet, dear? Did I?

I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Have you ever tried it in the nose?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.

Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city insearch of a prostitute. He finds one, and explains he has never had sex before.
The hooker says, " No problem, honey."

She undresses the boy, then herself, and lies down onthe bed. He crawls on top of her.

"Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... "

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

A cowboy was riding across the plains when he encountered a beautiful young woman, completely naked, tied to the ground by 4 stakes. He dismounted, came over to her, and asked,"what happened to you, ma'am?"

"Thank God you've come!" she panted. "A terrible tragedy has happened. Indians surrounded our wagon, killed my husband, tied me up like this, raped me, then rode off with my children. They left me here to die in the hot sun.

Boy, am I glad you showed up!"

It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can’t stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it’s none of my business, but why’d you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning".

"Bill is the same as ever." gossiped his wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex." "

Now that's just not true at all." called out Bill, relaxing in his recliner.

one night a trucker sees something way ahead on the center line so starts slowing down. Getting closer he sees movement and applies the brakes and pulls the airhorn.

Now he makes out a couple screwing and pushes harder on the brakes, airhorn blaring away. The couple doesn't miss a stroke.

He gets stopped just before running them over and is furious now.

Jumping out he screams "Whats the big idea? Didn't you hear me coming, didn't you hear my horn?"

This guy goes to a whorehouse and gets a whore for $10.

The next day he's itching like crazy. He goes back to the hooker to complain, saying, "You gave me crabs!"

She says, "What do you expect for $10, lobster?"

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings hismail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one.

Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier, "That's great!"

Guy, "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier, "Realistic then?"

Things that men don't want to hear...

...before sex

~Oh, its cute!
~Looks like a penis, only smaller
~You want to put that where?!
~Wow, you're brave…

...during sex

~It is in yet? … All of it?
~Stop!
~You must be a novice
~BORING

...after sex

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.

The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

Nina and Rosey meet for lunch and Nina seems a little depressed.

"Whats wrong Nina? " asks Rosey.

Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man. "

"Yeah, so, whats the problem?" asks Rosey.