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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 12:58 PM                        Rated R A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded."Yes," she chuckled,"I used to work in the maternity unit.".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:52 PM                        Rated G Michele Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches,the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse. If the average girl does it 3 times a week,(that makes 156 times annually)156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet,or just over a half mile of penis per year.If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet,or 55,224 yards,or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime. Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol' slut.Leave some for the rest of us.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Some people say making love and wearing a condom is like taking a shower and wearing a raincoat. Maybe that is so, but these days, making love and NOT wearing a raincoat is like taking a shower and wearing a toaster.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G Michele Have you heard of the new book entitled "1001 Sex Secrets Men Should Know?" It contains comments from 1001 different women on how men can be better in bed. I think that women would actually settle for three: Slow down,turn off the TV, and call out the right name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated PG Bruce Q: What did Adam say to Eve? A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. Q: What are three words men dread the most while making love? A: "Honey, I'm home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 07:37 AM                        Rated G Michele An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.As she boarded the bus,she whispered to the driver,"I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife.You two have a lot in common."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 10:09 AM                        Rated R A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-20-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated PG Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It's for Dickheads.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 07:15 AM                        Rated G Michele Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-21-2003 05:12 PM                        Famous Sex Quotes "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." * Tom Clancy "You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither." * Jack Stevens "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." * Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." * Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL." * Lynn Lavner "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is," * Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!) "Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." * Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place." * Billy Crystal "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" * Dustin Hoffman "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." * Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." * Robin Williams  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:24 PM                        Rated R Michele What's the difference between a young prostitute and an old prostitute? A young one uses vaseline to get it in. An old one uses polygrip to keep it in.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:04 PM                        Rated XXX Michele I just bought a new car,it's a pervertable,the top stays up but the driver goes down. It's made by Oldsmobile,remember the 88,and the 98,well this one is the urinate,what a pisser. It's a 72 passenger car,3 in the front and 69 in the back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 12:27 PM                        Rated G Michele Mary: So after several minutes of heavy making-out, he asked, "Would you like to have sex now?" Jill: What on earth did you say? Mary: I said,"That's a great idea.I'm at my chronological sexual peak,and I'm in my fertile time.Let's do it!" He left skid marks in my driveway!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated XXX NAUGHTY ANSWERS: Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? A: Its Braille or "suck here". Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What is an Australian kiss? A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under. Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: Why can't you trust a woman? A: How can you trust something that bleeds or five days and doesn't die? Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet,but when they go they take your  house and car with them. Q: What's the speed limit of sex A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around. Q: Why girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated XX Brain Teaser Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? . . . . . . Now, think about it... . . . . . . . . . Ready? . . . . . . . . ARE YOU SURE??? . . . . . . . . . . Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver,an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.  |  IP: Logged

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