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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 01:09 PM                        Rated PG Michele I attended a terrific party New Year's Eve. Lots of good food and some wonderful people. I was busy sipping on my vodka when I overheard a group of ladies having a discussion. One was saying how her daughter was very meticulous and fastidious about herself and the enthusiasm she had for getting good grades.She said she hoped she would not be soanal as time went on. Whereupon a blonde in the group who was showing off her newly acquired breasts, chimed in with, "I used to be that way too, but as the years passed I've become less anal and more oral and vaginal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 09:21 PM                        Rated G Whenever Shakespeare wanted to write poetry,he used to go to the woods in search of inspiration.One such day,he was in the woods looking for inspiration,and he sees a boy and girl having sex. Just before he could say something, there is a police raid, the three of them are caught and produced before a judge,the boy and girl as the ones to be prosecuted and Shakespeare as the witness. The judge sets the court and calls Shakespeare in the witness box and asks, "Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?" Now Shakespeare, the poet that he was, could not say anything without inspiration. He keeps quiet. The judge repeats, "Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them having sex?" Shakespeare still keeps quiet.The judge gets annoyed and says, "Mr. Shakespeare, for the last time before I hold you for contempt,WERE THE TWO HAVING SEX?" Suddenly inspiration strikes Shakespeare and he says, "Sir, The pants were down, The thighs were bare, The balls were hanging in the air, He put it in, You know where, and if that isn't having sex, I wasn't there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 06:37 AM                        Rated G Michele The Daily Mail reports a story about the Tory MP,Nicholas Soames,who is rather a large gentleman. Once a former girl-friend, asked to describe making love with him, replied: 'It's like having a large wardrobe fall on you with the key still in the lock.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2004 07:04 AM                        Rated G Jill was out at a singles bar and was approached by a well known Casanova. "How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in Jill's ear. "I'm afraid," Jill said, "That my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation." "I don't get it," he said. "Right!! " Jill replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2004 12:33 PM                        Rated XXX Okay,anyone who’s anyone has certainly heard of “the bases”:an attempt to use baseball terminology as a means of describing the extent to which you’ve had sexual intercourse with another person. Now,if you’ve never heard of these,or simply need a refresher, let me edu-u-cate you once more: ============================ 1st Base: Kissing 2nd Base: Groping (over clothes) 3rd base: Groping (under clothes) Home Run: Actual sex, not limited to, but including oral. ============================ Now, you might think to yourself that that’s a fairly easy way to joke amongst your friends about far you’ve gotten with your latest man (and/or woman as the case may be), but it doesn’t necessarily have to end with just the four bases in the game. There’s a whole slew of baseball terms that can be applied to the world of sex and, in the greater public interest, I present them to you. Use them, enjoy them and play ball! ============================ Bunt: Accidentally rubbing against breasts or genitalia. Pop Fly: Getting groped or groping with premature ejaculation. Tagged Out: You get slapped for "advancing" to another base. Stealing a base: Going for the next base while trying not to get "tagged out" . Leading: Trailing hands/mouth in direction of base. Balk: Making your move to grope or touch and then chickening out. Double play: Getting to first base and second base at the same time. Strike Zone: Area between the shoulders and the knees. Rain Delay/Rained Out: That time of the month. 7th Inning Stretch: Bathroom Break. Extra Innings: His/Her parents, roommate, etc. call to say they will be late. Calling Your Shot: Pointing to the girl/guy you are going to sleep with at a club or party and succeeding. Batting Practice: Masturbation. Wild Pitch: While making out, he/she pulls your hand to his/her crotch/breast. Bull Pen: Neighborhood slut's living room or bedroom. No-hitter: His/her parents or roommate come home early or unexpectedly. Sacrifice Fly: Going out on a double date with your friend and hooking up with the least attractive of the two. Squeeze Play: Trying to get to third base as he/she clamps his/her thighs on your hand. Left-on-Base: Stopping in the middle of a really hot and heavy make-out session. Inside-the-Park-Home-Run: Hooking up in a closet or restroom or other confined space after meeting at a party or club. Bean Ball: Accidentally getting kneed in the balls or being a little too rough with the equipment. Double Header: Either twice in one night with the same partner or twice in the same night with two different partners at different times. Batting Average: How well you do with your dates. Rookie: Virgin Rookie-of-the-Year: Doesn't go "all-the-way" but performs well in "other" areas. Home-Run-Derby: Orgy. All-Star: Someone very proficient at giving oral. Hitting for the Cycle: Reaching all four bases in a single session.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2004 12:37 PM                        Rated R An old man and a young woman are stuck in an elevator and the building is on fire. The young woman asks:"Sir,I am interested what would you do if you thought you only had twenty minutes to live?" "Well, I think I would screw anything that moved.Why,what would you do?" "Well, under the circumstances, I think I would remain perfectly still."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2004 05:42 AM                        Rated PG Jack and Jill went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass; And now his two front teeth are missing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 12:35 PM                        Rated PG In a small town in Texas,the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself.One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief."I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph.You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are,falling for the oldest trick in the book!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 02:47 PM                        Rated X Denny in Yonkers I got a new state-of-the art, Sony car stereo for Christmas; It has hands free control. If I yell ? "Classic" it plays classical music. If I yell ? "Country" it plays country music If I yell ? "Rock" it plays rock & roll. Yesterday 2 kids ran in front of me and I almost wrecked. I yelled "Fucking Kids" and it played Michael Jackson!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2004 06:11 AM                        Rated G According to a survey in Family Circle magazine, 27% of men say that sex puts them in a peaceful state of mind. 58% say money causes them stress. So the answer is obvious -- get cheaper hookers. [ 01-30-2004, 10:20 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:22 AM                        Rated PG MICHELE A crew of utility linemen were working outside of a well known house of ill repute.They were having a good time watching the locals as men proceeded into and out of the house.It came as a surprise to those watching that Stan's wife was seen entering the home,and in jest they decided to call his attention to this. "Hey, Stan!" one yelled as they passed the wire down to the pole on the line."I didn't know your wife was a prostitute!" "She is not!" Stan adamently shouted back. "She's just a substitute for Shannon on Thursdays!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 07:42 AM                        Rated G Michele There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy.One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2004 08:07 AM                        Rated G Michele Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible? They achieved simultaneous headaches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 12:48 PM                        Rated X Will in Collage Holiday Banana Bread recipe ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana Instructions: 1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms. 2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger. 4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed. 5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done! 6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl." NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2004 12:54 PM                        Rated XXX Will in College A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more commonly known as 'a trip around the world'. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a new television drama on which they were working jointly.The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained, "Damn it, man, argue on your own time!" The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!" And then he turned to the girl. "And you...you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"  |  IP: Logged

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