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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2005 10:37 PM                        Rated XXX A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,? "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural.?? I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.? Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.?? How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, ...."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...............that was me."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2005 05:47 PM                        Rated R... A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 12:27 PM                        Rated G Jenny was so tired trying to do it all, but one evening, she arrived home from work to find the children fed, bathed, & doing homework, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something was up. It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:52 PM                        Rated R "I tried phone s-e-x - it gave me an ear infection." Richard Lewis  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 09:12 PM                        Rated R Ray I'M SO GOOD IN BED................... I scream my own name.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:39 AM                        Rated R Hey men! Did you notice due to all the recent health issues, that the government is forcing condom manufacturers to print security identification numbers on the condoms? No? I guess you didn't roll them down far enough to see them. But then you must have different problems to worry about.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated PG One of the most baffling subjects to men is the attitude that women have towards sex. Recently, THE INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS BUREAU OF THE POSTMAN'S CORNER decided to clear up a lot of this mystery by conducting survey research. The study, sampling the attitudes of nearly a million American women is very enlightening. It reduces womens' complaints about sex down to just two, 1. Either they don't get enough or 2. They get too much I am quite sure this study will help you men clarify the sexual needs of women.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 01:56 PM                        Rated G Tiggy A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her."You have so much to live for," said the sailor."Look,I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.I'll take care of you, bring you food every day,and keep you happy. With nothing to lose,combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe,the woman accepted.That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me. "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 03:17 PM                        Rated G Recent sociological studies have shown that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at the same time. What most men do not realize is that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 02:03 PM                        Rated R Dear Sir, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms. We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend. Very Truly Yours, Burly Dick, President Jiffy Condom Company BD/pee  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 02:06 PM                        Rated X A tired looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man's request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn. Finally, the bartender has to ask. "Why all the drinks?" "Celebrating!" "Oh? What's the occasion?" "My first blowjob." "Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten." "No thanks. If this doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help any."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 04:35 PM                        Rated G After traveling a few blocks, Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and immediately informed the driver. "You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said. The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra." "You'd be cheating yourself," she replied. "This bra is only worth five dollars."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2005 02:53 PM                        Rated G Betsy "A birth control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2005 01:45 PM                        Rated XX Alien Sex The scientist and his research staff were interacting with the recently landed aliens to gain information about their lifestyle when the question of reproduction came up. Finding it difficult to understand the oral description, the head researcher said "Why not just demonstrate for us?" The male alien then proceeded to intertwine his antennae with those of the female alien and after about 30 seconds of flying sparks a large sack begins to form on the female's back and two minutes later the sack breaks open and out pops a miniature alien. "That is how we reporduce. How is it done here on earth?", asked the aliens. The head scientist looks at his attractive female assistant and says "In the interest of scientific interchange I think we should demonstrate, don't you?" The sex-starved assistant is more than willing and after the climax of 30 minutes of heated passion the research scientist pants "There, that (pant) is how we do it (pant) on earth." "But where is the offspring?" asks the alien. "Oh, the gestation period is about 270 earth days", answers the scientist. "What!" exclaims the alien. "If you have to wait 270 earth days, then why were you in such a hurry at the end?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 06:10 PM                        Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA Newlyweds On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "OH, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!  |  IP: Logged

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