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Author
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Topic: SEX
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Bill Gabel
Film God
Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted 07-18-2006 07:26 PM
UNION DUES Rated PG
A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says.
"Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mighty offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps off in search of a more equitable shop.
Finally, he reaches a brothel where the madam says, Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man says. He looks around the room and points to a gorgeous young redhead. I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir, but ..." say the madam, gesturing at a 70-year-old woman in the corner, "Ethel here has seniority."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-08-2006 10:41 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE TELLS IT ALL
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 10-18-2006 05:35 PM
Rated R...
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits…
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles…
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to
disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-31-2007 11:12 AM
Rated X ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Shaky old lady
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you’ll remember this story:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk…aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks: ” Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssuma aaffabbuck offffff?”
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 07-27-2007 02:16 PM
Rated PG......
A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner. It took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried the doctor's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the doctor. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come a-runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?," asked the doctor.
"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-26-2007 02:51 PM
Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Two couples were playing poker one evening.John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfiedlook on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player !
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-15-2007 07:38 PM
Rated XXXX Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Proper Grammar~~~ We're Never Too Old To Practice Our English Lesson...
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1,2,3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1,2,3,4, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, snuggles next to her, and says, "1,2,3."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 1,2,3, for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
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