Andy Rooney on Research:

A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the
chief. How' s about letting me have one of your women for a little while? Asked the paleface.

The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"

"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface.

"A bag of corn huh." Replied the chief.

The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman there into my teepee." He said.

So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."

The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying, "This money hole."

Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her ass saying,
"This corn hole."

AMERICAN SEX LAWS:

1. In the quiet town of Connersville, Wisconsin, it's
illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female
partner has an orgasm.

2. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband
to curse during sex.

3. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell
of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in
Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law
mandates that he must brush his teeth.

4. Bozeman, Montana has a law that bands all sexual activity
between members of the opposite sex in the front yard
of a home after sundown--if they're nude.

5. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is
required to have twin beds. And the beds must always
be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a
room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love
on the floor between the beds.

6. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is
required to provide each guest with a clean and
pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may
they have sex unless they are wearing one of these
clean, white cotton nightshirts.

7. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming specifically bans
couples from having sex while standing inside a
store's walk-in-meat freezer.

8. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors
should be called master, not mister, when addressed
by their female counterparts.

9. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'
Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to
walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must
drive up from behind, honk his horn three times
and wait approximately two minutes before getting
out of his car to investigate.

10. And finally, women aren't allowed to wear patent-
leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio--a man might see
the reflection of something 'he oughtn't!'

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

Food has replaced sex in my life.

HOW SEX IS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER:

You get on with your partner.

There is anxious anticipation as you start. You start slowly, climbing your way to the top.There are smiles exchanged, and giggles, maybe even caressing or hand holding.

The excitement builds and builds. It nears the top. The expressions on faces become wonderous and excited.Then as it hits the pinnacle, things move very fast.

There's a quick motion, the heart races with complete excitement, faces are all in total pleasure. Arms are flailing, heads are bouncing, and there is some noticeable screaming going on.The rest of the ride is up and down, twisting and turning, lots of bumping, sometimes in the light, sometimes in the dark. Sometimes there's a surprise, and sometimes it becomes all to familiar but always, always at the end, there's a big smile on the face.

Karmen went to a neighbor's house a few months after her neighbors
had moved in and knocked on the door. The husband answered the door, and Karmen asked him, "Do you know how much fun sex is?"

Appalled, he slammed the door in her face. Again, Karmen knocked on their door and when he came to the door, she asked him, "Do you like sex?" He said "Get away! I'm married!"

He told his wife about the incident and said some crazy woman is
asking him about "sex" and she decided to hide behind the front door and wait to see what would happen next...

Another knock at the door... and Karmen asked the husband when he
answered, "Do you know how to have sex?"

He cried out, "YES, I DO!!"

Karmen said, "Well, the next time you see your wife, give her some
and tell her to stay the hell away from my husband!!!"

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."

"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added,forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"

"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer.

I heard this through the thin walls of my motel room on the road recently.

In a male inebriated slur, " God, You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy."

And a woman's angry reply, "Get off my back, you asshole !"

Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things were
reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked.

"I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned.

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancé's mother is great. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew how to deal with this situation. I headed out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband. He was smiling. He
explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. I kept it to myself that I thought their "little test" was bullshit, but I'm marrying their daughter, not them.

While I was talking with Jill on her cell phone last week, I overheard the following conversation.

Oh, John, please don't stop here!
Oh, John, please don't stop!
Oh, John, please don't!
Oh, John, please!
Oh, John!
Oh!

Jill, If you are going to go parking with John please at least put me on hold for sixty seconds next time. heh heh

"Dinner, wine, music, dancing, flowers -- he used all the moves to get me between the sheets," Jill confessed to her best friend.

"And..what happened?"