A man and his son were driving along the road when his son turned to him and asked "Dad what is a womans vagina like before sex?"

Being a little stunned the father thought for a moment and said "Son it looks like a beautiful flower with large pink petals that are tinged cream at the ends."

The boy looked up at his father "Okay, what does it look like after sex?"

It has been known for years that one can get AIDS from sex. However, nearly simultaneous studies authorized by former President Bill Clinton and the Reverend Jesse Jackson have confirmed that you can get sex from aides.

 |  IP: Logged

Rules of Porn Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls.

Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.

Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.

The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.

Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.

Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.

A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a dyke by the end of the story.

Who needs condoms?

The Food:

Woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast?Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "Naw, still not hungry."

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?

Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and has not gotten out of her depression...mourning as if it were only yesterday.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

Their first night there she undresses, as does he.

She stood there nude except for a pair of black lacy panties.

He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

A guy and several of his buddies used to frequent a certain restaurant. The food was always good, but the waitress always looked and sounded very sour. One evening, one of the friends was feeling rather good, and jokingly asked the waitress when she came to take their orders, "Ma'am, do you believe in free love?"

The waitress huffed up and almost yelled at the man, "I certainly do not!"

The Ladies at Lunch.

Mary: You'll love this story from my friend who works in the ER.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: A woman came in with a cell phone shoved up her rectum!

Jill: You're kidding!

Mary: I'm not. The woman said she and her husband were playing some "adult games."

Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.

One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.

He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."

You Know You've Had Wild Sex When.....

* Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

* It takes five minutes to un-knot your bodies.

* An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

* The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

* A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

* You've both gone down one clothing size.

* You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

* You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

* Boy, are you hungry!

* You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."

"Oh no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around.

She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me."

Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."

Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there."

So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand."

Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!"

Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says.

Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"

P.S. The joke originally said but I figured it should be

There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them. But there
was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home. He was a small man, and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask what she
could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

"Wow!" they say.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you swallow?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I swallow! I screw!" she screamed in panic.