A Dying Wish

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, "I'm sorry, but you've only 12 hours to live".

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her husband and states, "I want us to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."

Myrddin returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

"All right," Myrddin demanded, "I'll kill you unless you tell me where the cigar came from!"

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade
class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Heck, that's nothing. I
can remember going to the senior prom with my father,and coming
home with my mother."

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her.

He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common.

After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her.

Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable."

She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything.

She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Billy Ray Cyrus vs. Prostitute

What's the difference between Billy Ray Cyrus and a prostitute?

A man and a woman are about to make love, and the woman is getting very excited.

"Put your finger in", she wispers." So he does. "Put another finger in", she says as her excitment heightens. So he does this and she gets even more excited.

"Put you hand in", she say's. "My hand? "

"Yes" she says, "Your hand, put it in" So he puts his whole hand in, and she is going crazy.

"Put your other hand, in" she moans.

"My other hand?" he gulps.

"Yes, Yes" she screams, barely able to contain herself. "Now" she cries, "clap".

"I can't !" says the man.

Well, my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13.

What's another name for a ant eater?

Three guys, a black, a white, and a Chinese, walk into a bar.

There is a hot babe sitting at the bar; and she quickly catches the attention of the men.The lady looks over at the 3 men and says, "If one of you can survive a night of sex with me, I'll marry you, blow you everymorning and fuck you every night."

The men quickly agree.

That night the black guy has sex with her, and dies because of some weird STD that kills instantly.

The next night the white man dies due to the same STD.

The third night the Chinese man lives.The lady asks, "How did you live?"

He was coming of ageand decided he needed to know what the company of a woman felt like.

So he arranged to see the chief of his tribe, "Chief, I need to become a man. What should I do?"

The wise, old chief had dealt with enough of these youngsters to know exactly what to say, "Son, go into the forest and you will find a tree with a hole in it. Practice on it and you will come back in full maturity."

So he did. After a week of rough living he was certain he had it right.He walked triumphantly into the village and asked for the prettiest squaw.

They went into a tent and he told her to bend over. "Hmmm, a bit kinky for our first time don't you think,love?"

He was confused but carried on and asked her to please bend down.

She agreed only to receive a short, sharp kick in the behind.

"What the hell do you think you're doing????? You're a psycho!!"

He was a bit bemused at this some what snappy response so he said,

"What? Do you think I'm stupid?

Oral Sex   

One day two old men named Fred and Vern were siting on Vern's porch enjoying the nice day they were having and discussing many topics when the topic of sex came up.

Fred turns to Vern and says, "Ya know, Me and the old lady just don't have sex no more,and I kind of miss it."

Vern says, "Well Fred Me and my wife don't really either except for oral sex."

"Oral sex!?" Fred says, "Are you telling me at your age you and your wife still practice oral sex?"

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted tot he other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.

"I meanI don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling.

"I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.

After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on hisface. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."

A guy walked into a bar and noticed a beautiful blonde sitting at the bar.

He walked up to her and said "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied "Yes you may, but you won't get to first base with me."

"And why not?" replied the guy.
"Because I'm a lesbian." she replied. "

Oh, so you're from Lebanon."

"You don'tknow what a lesbian is, do you?"

"No, I can't say I do." replied the guy.

"Let me try to explain." said the blonde. "You see that girl at the end of the bar? Well, I would like to make passionate love to her, and kiss her all over all night long."

She looked aside and saw the guy with his head down sobbing uncontrollably.

"What's the matter with you?!" The guy slowly looked up at her and said

An alien walks into a bar one night.

He goes up to the bartender and sticks his finger in the bartenders chest.Then he leaves.

The next day he comes back and once again he walks up to the bartender and sticks his finger in the bartenders chest. Then he leaves.

The next day the alien comes back and does it again.

"Thats it!" yells the bartender, "If you do that one more timeI'm gonna kick you in your balls!"

The alien, smiling, sticks his finger in the bartenders chest.

The bartender jumps up and sees that the alien has no balls.

Bewildered, he asks the alien, "How do you have sex?"