A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor.
Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.
She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?"
"No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."
Talented Pussy

A man is sitting on a train across from a Busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?
The Difference In Beavers

A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver." A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. "That's your beaver!" "That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out.
Thoughts

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out,and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house of ill repute to experience his first sexual experience with a partner.

He approached the madam and shyly asked if he could retain the services of one of her fine ladies.

The Madam was happy to oblige and started to rattle off a list of services that could be purchased.... straight lovemaking, 69, bj etc.

Except for the straight lovemaking he was unaware of what all of the other services mentioned were but was very curious.

After she rattled off the menu the shy polite southern boy graciously asked for "that 69 thing" totally unaware what that might be.

The Madam charged the boy and directed him to the room where this wonderful act would take place.

Upon entering the room the boy was immediately pleased by the sight of his purchase and she asked him to disrobe and join her on the bed.

As she was already naked, it seemed alright so he did as he was told and meekly joined her in bed and pulled the sheet over himself.

Without warning the lady pulled off the sheet, flipped around and assumed the position.

Other than being shocked by the predicament he found himself in he was pleased at the sensation and shock soon turned to pleasure.

Shortly after this started the lady let out ............well..........a small fart.

The boy immediately noticed and although it was unpleasant he quickly forgot about it and continued.

A guy's tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asks him a question, and as he turns to answer, the peanut falls into his ear.

He tries to dig it out, but that only pushes it in deeper, so he and his wife decide to go to the hospital.

As they're about to go out the door, their daughter comes in with her date.

They explain, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.

The father blows and the peanut flies out of his ear.

The mother and daughter are all excited, but the daughter's date says, "Ah, it was nothing."

After her daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, "Isn't he smart? I wonder what he plans to be."

An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,

"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says. Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!

I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.

She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.

She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "

OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.

"Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after climbing in the truck.

"It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"Me, I'm June---June Hansen," she said.

After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

3 Stages of Sex

1) House Sex -- When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

2) Bedroom Sex -- After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.

An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada.

The receptionist stared at him. "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

"Ain't this the famous Mustang Ranch? Ain't this where you got forty-five girls ready 'n' able?"

The receptionist looked perplexed, "Ready for what?"

"I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

"How old are you, Pop?" she asked.

"Ninety-two," he replied.

"Ninety-two? Pop, you've HAD it!"

"Oh," said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof.

But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk.

A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.