A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch, '' Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly.

We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal.'' '

'A rehearsal?'' his buddy asks, ''Don't you mean a performance?''

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon.

Luckily an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help.

Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car.

He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage.

He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.

"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted.

"Take off that dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his pants.

He was hung like a mule! "Oboy!" she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, I'm going to get the hell fucked out of me too."

At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" the woman asked.

There were two deaf people who had to figure out some way of communicating
weather they wanted to have sex or not!

So they thought and thought and finally the girl said, "Ok I have a way! If you want to have sex squeeze my tits once and if you don't want to have sex squeeze my tits twice!"

So the guy thought and thought and finally came up with a way!

'I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains.

The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. ''I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?''

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence.

Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man. ''I can make you feel like a woman'', was his reply. He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation.

A cowboy out of Texas came to the big apple, New York City. He picked up one of the girls of the night, took her to a hotel for some fun and
relaxation.

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hear thumping coming from his parent's room. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, " Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and
down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well Im bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says," That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

Two collage guys go camping in the woods. They get lost and found this cabin, they knock on the door.

A REALLY old woman comes to the door..ugly and wrincled skin... They ask the woman for food and shelter for at least a week..and how you get out of the woods.

The woman says: "As long as you have sex with me every night you stay..because I am very old and dont get it too often.."

The first guy..says..."no"..

The 2nd guy says "okay"...

They go in and eat..then the woman lies down on the bed..naked...and says "okay..lets do it!"

The guy think thinks fast and looks around and out the window there are corn stalks. "okay" he says, "Close your eyes..and I'll show you what I can do"

So she closes her eyes... and the guy reaches out the window and grabs a corn stalk and un-wrapps it to the corn... Then does what he says he would..and throws the corn out the window...

An upperclass Englishman, picked up a young and beautiful Chinese girl in the London Met Bar. 

After some time spent talking the man invited her to join him back at his place.

The woman watsed no time in showing that she wanted to spend the night with the man and before long they were having fast and furious passionate sex on his bed, the chinese girl began to scream, she repeatedly screamed "asanyaya" at the top of her voice, the man was delighted to be achieving such a wonderful ressponse from his new girl and also began screaming as he came several times inside the girl. 

The next day as the couple woke up together the girl expalined that she had a very close family and that she was keen for him to meet her father. 

The man agreed to join her father and his friends for a round of golf later that day.  The game was going smoothly as the group got to know each other and on the 11th hole the father hit a fantastic hole in one, the father and his friends went wild with delight and rejoiced in Chinese, keen to make a good impression, the boyfriend thought back to his expereience the previous night, and upon remembering his girls screams of delight, he began to shout "asanyaya", "asanyaya" over and over again. 

Rated X

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV.

The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs.

The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek.

101 Things NOT To Say During Sex

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same placesthey went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"

The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a june bug. They make love like never before.

Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. He needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, and he called the desk clerk asking if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a new machine that should serve the purpose."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. One minute later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Adjacent was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 50 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out one minute later perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed, but he had been away from his wife for two weeks. He looked both ways and saw nobody around so he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of pain and agony.

Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off and, trembling, the salesman withdrew his penis.... It now had a button sewed on the tip. Rated R

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. He needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, and he called the desk clerk asking if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a new machine that should serve the purpose."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. The machine started to buzz and whirl. One minute later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Adjacent was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 50 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out one minute later perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed, but he had been away from his wife for two weeks. He looked both ways and saw nobody around so he put in fifty cents, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of pain and agony.

This guy gets out of the service, and the bus drops him off in a small Midwestern town. He finds a place to stay and work at a farm nearby, and asks the farmer where he might find some female action. So, the farmer tells him about a whorehouse not far from the farm. The soldier sets out for a romp in the hay.

When he arrives at the whorehouse, he asks the Madame for a lady, to which she replies, "I'm sorry, but all the ladies are quarantined for a few days." Flabbergasted, the soldier says, "I can't believe that! I haven't had any booty in a long time!" The
Madame says, "well, we do have a substitute, and it's $20. Take it or leave it."

He's so desperate he agrees, and she takes his money and sends him down a set of stairs into a small room with nothing in it but a chicken. He says to himself "I can't screw a chicken!" The more he thinks about it, he figures "what the heck?"

So, he climbs on the chicken and romps on it, and after he's finished, he leaves. A couple of days later, he comes back and the girls are still quarantined, so he goes back in with the chicken and gets on it again, enjoying it even more. He does this several times, until one day when he comes in, and the Madame tells him, "I'm sorry, but the chicken died." "It died? Now what am I supposed to do?" The Madame tells him "Go up those stairs, and you'll be taken care of."

He goes up the stairs and there's a bunch of guys pressed up against this big window screaming and hollering, and two women are getting after it on the other side of the glass. He muscles his way in, and they're all going crazy as they watch. He elbows the guy beside him and says, "Isn't this great?"