One day God came to Adam and said, ''I've got some good news and some bad news.''

''Well, give me the good news first.''

''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have wonderful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet.''

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, ''These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?''

Jerry Chase was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which went wonderfully, Jerry Chase couldn't wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry Chase, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry Chase turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman turned to Jerry Chase and whispered back, "That's okay, we're just here to see our dog and hear your music Mr. Jerry Chase."

The hard part for me was getting the damned dog to play second trumpet in tune and continue to play. Bob didn't tell in the story that it used to be his dog, and whenever there was a bitch in heat, the dog would stop playing, yell "Semper Fi!" as loud as he could, and charge. I can't imagine where this behavior came from.

BTW, one of those solos was the "Lost Chord." I never did find the darned thing and I think the dog probably stole it.

It was a fun experience. After the production, the dog and I went out to wet our whistles and the dog was a real wag, telling tails of Bob Maar. The one involving the French Poodle, Bob, and a vat of Jello was especially funny, but you had to hear it told by a dog.

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short-term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only fool proof way," counseled the therapist,"is by the size of his feet."

Noticing that her boss's fly was open , the embarrassed secretary told him as she left the office, "Your garage door is open."

The bewildered exec didn't know what she meant until a co-worker finally told him what she was referring to.

The next day, he called his secretary into his office and said, "Yesterday when my garage door was open, did you see a long red Cadillac with a hard top?"

A bloke went to the doctor and said, "I got this sex problem, doc." "Tell me about your average day," said the doctor. "It all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so we
can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work."

"Oh I see," said the doc. "No, hang on." said the man, "You see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl everyday and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there."

"Oh...now I see," said the doctor. "No you don't," said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom."

"Oh...now I see," said the doctor. "No no no," he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie."

"Now I understand," said the patient doctor. "No, hang on," said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack."

"Ahh..." said the doctor, "now I see." "No, there's more." said our man, "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards."

Mom and little girl at the toys counter. Christmas rush.

Little girl: "Mom, I want Barbie with G.I. Joe".

Mom: "Sweetie, you know Barbie comes with Ken...".

Matt and his secretary are having an affair.

They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking.

They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night.

They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass.

The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally goes home and his wife meets him at the door.

The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.

That's why I'm late!" The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes.

20 Things Never To Say During Sex!

1. Is it in?

2. That's it?

3. You've got to be kidding me.

4. (Phone Rings) Hello? Oh, nothing and you?

5. Do I have to pay for this?

6. Do I have to call you tomorrow?

7. Is that all you know how to do?

8. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9. What's your name again?

10. A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

11. But you just started!

12. Hold on, let me change the channel...

13. Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.

14. Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

15. What noise was that?!

16. What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!

17. Is it O.K. if I call someone, it's O.K. though, keep going...

18. Just use your finger, its bigger.

19. O.K. start...Oh! That feels so...YOU'RE DONE??!!

SEX RELATED MEDICAL FACTS

1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.

2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world...it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and near-fusion with the mattress.

4. Eat and drink sensibly.
The combination of alcohol and sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous fizzle.

5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.

6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate manipulations, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.

7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man, contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the Marines.

8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.

9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check your insurance policy.

10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal response to immense orgasm.

11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see a guidance counselor.

12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.

13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach, especially if it belongs to your partner.

14. You know that you've had too much sex when your life begins to flash before your eyes.

15. You know I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash before my eyes.

16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and in demand.

17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head (wear a hat during sex).

19. Sex on an inclined surface (an anthill, for example) builds endurance.

20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three to eleven seconds or four to seven feet.

21. 1970 FDA approves spray-on Vaseline.

22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.

23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every 10,000 strokes.

24. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference between a birthmark and a rash.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.

The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.

The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts.

She can't believe that such a rude person exists.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He then takes off  his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The Truth .....

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing.

When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know, why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well," replies Fred, "truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim replied, "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"