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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:51 PM                        Rated G A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" "Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 05:53 PM                        Rated PG "It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated G Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging. Italian foreplay is, "Maria, I'm home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 07:08 PM                        Rated XX Michele A man goes into a little neighborhood pub,and when he sits down,he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her,and much to his surprise,she winks back at him.It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman,"You're really hot!" You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. Before we go up there though the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?" "Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" "Definitely!" the man replies. "All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees." "Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:20 PM                        Rated G Captain Silver The problem with being bisexual is that you get twice as many chances to be rejected, and BOTH sides think you're a pervert!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 07:24 PM                        Rated X While at his doctors trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from to much sex. "How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks. " Well I can not stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I will not be able to sleep at night",Jim reports. "My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"! So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and began to feel much better.How ever Jims addiction to sex is more then he can control,and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control,and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die,and there is nothing he can do for him.I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down,he said.All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes? Jim says yes Doctor I do!I want you to promise me that when I die you make sure I get cremated. His Doctor agrees. Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and run me through one last time! [ 04-23-2003, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated G One night, a horny old geezer decides to gethimself hooker.Since the man doesn't havemuch money, he looks for the cheapestwhore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs.So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner,so he marches over to her and says,"Hey, lady,you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 06:10 AM                        Rated G Michele Top 20 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You: 20. After you request sex she replies,"Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?" 17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16. Only moans during commercial breaks. 15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.... 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2. She yells out her own name. 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 06:27 AM                        Rated R Michele After dinner and a movie,Carl drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move.When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing,he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly,she jerked away,got out of the car in a hurry,and ran home. Later that night,she wrote in her diary,"A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date,Carl returned to the country road.As they were kissing passionately,Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again,she pulled away,got out of the car,and hurried home. Later that night,she wrote in her diary,"I repeat,a girl's best friends are her own two legs." On the third date,the pair returned to the country road.This time,Mary didn't get home until very late.That night,she wrote in her diary,"There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:28 PM                        Rated G The key to safe sex is in the palm of your hand!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:08 PM                        Rated R One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping the neighbors German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-30-2003 03:11 PM                        Rated XX George in Va. Three couples went out camping.The three husbands stayed in one tent and the three wives stayed in the other.At about 3 in the morning,Bob woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?" Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." "How come?" "To have sex!I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" "Because that's my dick you're holding."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 11:43 AM                        Rated X All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. "Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth. "This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam." "Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!" "I just got here," she replied. "Give me a few minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-01-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated XX Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were up in a hotel room and decided they wanted to have sex. Well,the first thing Minnie asks is,"Do you have a condom?" Donald says "No." Minnie tells Donald that if he doesn't get a condom that they can't have sex and suggests to Donald that he go buy a condom. She says that maybe they sell them at the front desk. Donald proceeds to go downstairs and gets to the front desk.He asks the hotel clerk if they sell condoms.The clerk says "yes we do" and pulls one out from under the desk and gives it to Donald. The clerk asks "Would you like me to put that on your bill?" Donald says:"NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-02-2003 01:10 PM                        Rated G Captain Silver The hookers were having a slow day with tricks and decided that they would all go out for lunch.One ofthem said,"If we all go at the same time,our Madam will be angry if there is no one here to service any customers that show up.What should we do?" Another hooker came up with a solution and proceeded to write a sign to place on the front door. The sign read: "Out To Lunch. Go Fuck Yourself."  |  IP: Logged

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