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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 04:27 PM                        Rated G Q: What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with? A: She say's whatever she wants....he's asleep.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 02:02 PM                        Rated R "Did you fake it this time?" a man asked his wife. "No, Dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated R And then there's the one about the girl who didn't want her boy friend to swallow Viagra... She begged him to just let it dissolve on his tongue.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 09:22 AM                        Rated R One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriendsaid, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples." So the girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 03:22 PM                        RATED R The eight qualities of a perfect man ... Brave Intelligent Gutsy Polite Energetic Nutty Industrious Sensitive And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G Viagra Housewife This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife... Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3 This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Day 4 A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5 What absolute bliss!! Day 6 Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7 This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8 I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9 No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10 Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over... Day 11 I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12 I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous... Day 13 Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk. Day 14 I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me! Day 15 I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did. Day 16 The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17 Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again! Day 18 He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 06:51 PM                        Rated PG Famous sex quotes Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive." George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 12:20 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine An "invisible condom" -- a cream or gel that could prevent not only AIDS but a range of sexually transmitted infections -- could be only five years from the market if funding into research continues... ... Like women are gonna fall for the old "invisible condom" trick...  |  IP: Logged David Favel Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 764 From: Ashburton, New Zealand Registered: Feb 2002 posted 01-19-2003 03:47 PM                     Rated R One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"  |  IP: Logged David Favel Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 764 From: Ashburton, New Zealand Registered: Feb 2002 posted 01-19-2003 03:49 PM                     Rated R The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, 'What should I do? Oh-I know.' He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. "What are you doing in here?!?" He said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated G One recent study reported that men with the most education get the least amount of sex. Another study reported that highly educated women have the most headaches. Is there some correlation here?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 06:48 AM                        Rated PG The Daily Mail reports a story about the Tory MP Nicholas Soames,who is rather a large gentleman. Once a former girl-friend,asked to describe making love with him, replied: 'It's like having a large wardrobe fall on you with the key still in the lock.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated R Groucho Marx was having problems sexually with premature ejaculation. Someone recommended a topical cream guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied,"I came rubbing the stuff on."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated PG Astrological After Sex Comments Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!" Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza." Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?" Cancer: "When are we getting married?" Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?" Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets." Libra: "I liked it if you liked it." Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you." Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you." Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?" Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!" Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:41 PM                        Rated R Sex For Dummies Oral sex does not mean talking to each other. On the same note, oral contraception goes beyond just saying 'NO'. A condom is not needed when you are doing it alone. Herpes is not the name of a Greek god. For it not to be a crime, mutual consent is necessary. No woman would ever be desperate enough to sleep with you at first sight.If this happens,be sure you pay her,otherwise you will suffer major physical pain. Abstinence is not a kinky position. Don't tell potential girlfriends that you have a severe Oedipus complex. A bad line to use is,"They took 80% off during my circumcision." Speed is not a virtue.  |  IP: Logged

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