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Author Topic: SEX Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 09:04 AM                        Rated R : Michele What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common: * You should never have to wait to find one. * You should be able to slide right into one. * Spaces in the front are always the best. * When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice. * It sucks when someone else is double-parked. * Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back. * It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces. * A full-size car is good to find. * People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces. * Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying. * We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit. * A house isn't a home without a parking space. * Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear. * Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear? * The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2004 08:47 AM                        Rated R SOCIAL SECURITY SEX: Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special.I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" LOUD SEX: A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" QUIET SEX: Tired of a listless sex life,the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" CONFOUNDED SEX: A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said the cost would be 3,500 for "small,$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected."Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,"This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says... "I'll miss you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2004 10:09 AM                        Rated R Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, 90% of all people masturbate in the shower. The other 10% of them sing." "Really?" asked the friend. The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?" The friend nodded her head and replied, "No." The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 11:29 AM                        Rated PG Michele TOP 13 INTERNATIONAL WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER 13. Kick her in the rear, Vladamir. 12. Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel. 11. Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar. 10. Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre. 9. Put on her underpants, Hans. 8. Blow up her car, Moammar. 7. Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros. 6. Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao Li. 5. Lock her in the john, Juan. 4. Ditch her at the Kabuki, Teruyuki. 3. Knock up another chick, Mick. 2. Tell her you're gay, José. 1. Just show her that sore, Thor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 12:17 PM                        Rated PG Michele A couple in Argentina was making love so passionately inside a parked car that they actually caused the car to roll off a cliff and fall 900 feet into a ravine. Luckily, they both survived, but the firemen said they had to pry the woman out of the car. In fact, they said her first words were, 'I was so close.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 12:19 PM                        Rated G Michele Genuine 911 Call Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there [giggle]. Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain? Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm. Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"? Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right? Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:23 AM                        Rated X Michele JHawk111420 [12:11 AM]: Hey what's up, a/s/l? Lady Renegade [12:12 AM]: more than you want, I'm sure JHawk111420 [12:12 AM]: i'll take that as a challenge ;-) Lady Renegade [12:12 AM]: take it any way you want sweetie JHawk111420 [12:13 AM]: k, how old are ya? Lady Renegade [12:13 AM]: probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20 JHawk111420 [12:13 AM]: k, what do ya look like? Lady Renegade [12:14 AM]: before or after I'm dressed up? JHawk111420 [12:14 AM]: both :-D Lady Renegade [12:15 AM]: well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops traffic JHawk111420 [12:14 AM]: and before? Lady Renegade [12:15 AM]: before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers... sometimes my weenie is peeking out Lady Renegade [12:16 AM]: hello?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:25 AM                        Rated G Michele A man, suspecting his wife of infidelity, hired a detective to shadow her. After a few days the detective discovered the wife in her own room with a boy friend in an exceptionally fond embrace on the divan. Quickly locating the husband, he brought him to the home where both peeked in through the door and found the couple still making love. Visibly shocked, the husband invited the detective into the kitchen, saying: "Let's have some coffee while I think." The detective replied: "Certainly, thanks, but just make me one cup. That's all I'm allowed." "Sure," said the husband, "that's enough for me, too." So they retired to the kitchen where the husband silently brewed two steaming cups of coffee. As they sat down to drink, the detective broke the silence: "Well, what about the fellow in there?" Replied the husband: "Oh, the hell with him; let him make his own coffee."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:32 AM                        Rated PG Michele Actress Pamela Anderson is protesting cock fighting. I wonder if she knows it involves barnyard animals?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:14 PM                        Rated PG Michele 50 Dumb uses for condoms... 1) Bicycle handle grips. 2) French tickler animals. 3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads. 4) Put one on a lightbulb for mood lighting. 5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it. 6) Get 1000 and make a submarine. 7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad. 8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains. 9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding. 10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown. 11) Water wings for those non-swimmers. 12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house. 13) Jello molds. 14) Finger puppets. 15) A wind sock. 16) Use as a bobber when fishing. 17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it. 18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe. 19) Suspenders. 20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?) 21) Small animal muzzle. 22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist. 23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins. 24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses. 25) Automatic door closing devices. 26) Have 'water' balloon fights. 27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants. 28) Freeze them for an all-natural popsicle. 29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy. 30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you. 31) Ear/nose plugs. 32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year". 33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions. 34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde. 35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank. 36) "I challenge you to a duel!" 37) Drain plugs. 38) Put them in with your tax return. 39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen. 40) Punching bags. 41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan. 42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend. 43) Novelty key rings. 44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano. 45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake. 46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit. 47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions. 48) Make a patch work "water" bed. 49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it! 50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 11-05-2004 11:10 PM                    Rated R Do you have the correct time? A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on. In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing. The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.” “OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer. “What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?” John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.” “And how old are you?” the officer asked John. “I’m 25,” John replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2004 12:41 PM                        Rated X A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say "I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words. I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the exception. When making love, I explained, men will say anything. "He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on from there. A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'." He said, "I love you." I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny." He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny." "So I slapped him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2004 12:42 PM                        Rated PG The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child, we moved into a new community. Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the door one day collecting for charity as well as looking for more canvassers. I told her to ask me again next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try another time. Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came instead in February, canvassing for another charity and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked at my bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here, you’re pregnant!’ "I know," I agreed, laughing. "Please don’t come again."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:52 AM                        Rated PG Michele A hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the honeymoon suite and exclaimed, "Wowie!" A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a look. She said, "Oh, my gosh!" Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall and moved the maid out of the way. He took a look and said, "I can't believe he complained about a hair in his soup last night!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2004 11:44 AM                        Rated PG Michele The "Kinsey" Report Statistics: * Men have 1,600 hours of sex in their lifetimes 1,610 if you count with their partners. * The best cure for a headache is sex. Day Two of filming, a crew member announced: "Yesterday I called my doc and said, 'I've got a headache.' He told me, 'Take two bimbos and call me in the morning.'" * Difference between erotic and kinky. Erotic is twice a week. Kinky is three times during a commercial break. Erotic is Champagne and chateaubriand. Kinky is a bottle of Bud and takeout from Denny's. So this guy who sat still for the report said: "The other night my wife met me at the front door stark naked. What a shock! She was just coming home." Kinsey discovered that, after a few years, couples don't communicate. One man, after seeing this in the movie, was heard saying: "That's ridiculous. And I've sent my wife an e-mail telling her so." Kinsey was smart. One respondent asked him for job-hunting tips. He replied: "If the application asks you to fill in the line 'Sex,' answer, 'Male' or 'Female.' Do not write in, 'Your place or mine?' " Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how do my wife and I know when we've reached complete sexual compatibility?" Answer: "When you both achieve simultaneous migraines." Question: "Dr. Kinsey, how can you tell if your wife is frigid?" Answer: "If a light goes on when she opens her mouth.  |  IP: Logged

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