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Topic: SEX
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 04-09-2005 02:26 PM
Rated PG
The wife comes home early from work one day only to find her
husband in bed with a strange woman.
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story... And this
had better be good!"
He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this
young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.
I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned
up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought
her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that
doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I
bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150
Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even
gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that
you never served me. I showed her to the door. She was so
grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely.
But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and
asked me, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?’"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-06-2005 08:40 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Nebraska teenager, 16 year old Tommy Mason, is getting to live his 15 minutes of fame. Imperial Margarine wants him to be their new spokesperson and they say they’re willing to wait until his trial and jail time is over.
Tommy was arrested last month on charges of indecent exposure and public indecency. Luckily for Tommy he’s a minor and will only serve four months in a juvenile detention center. Some think that isn’t enough time..
“That’s not what margarine is for”, says supermarket manager Mike Johnson, "And while I don't care what product he uses for pulling his cord, I'd prefer he didn't do it in my store."
Imperial Margarine spokesperson Bill Simpson agrees but says “who are we to tell people how to use our product? After all, we sell margarine, not morality.”
Margarine is increasingly becoming the wank-off lube of choice amongst youngsters as it's cheap, readily available and doesn't carry the same stigma as a fifteen year old buying a jar of vaseline and a skin mag at the wee hours of the morning.
Tommy says it all started when he saw his high-school crush Naomi Hunters working at the cash. “She’s a real hottie”, says Tommy.. “I couldn’t contain myself (and) when I saw that margarine I just had to do it.”
Naomi says she’s flattered and disgusted by all this. “But mostly disgusted”, she adds.
Bill Simpson sees it differently though. “If somebody wants to slap a big handful of margarine on their unit and pleasure themselves that’s fine with me, but it’s my job to make sure it’s Imperial margarine on their unit and not some cheap store brand.”
“We spend a fortune coming up with new ideas every year”, says Simpson. “This kid just saved us a fortune in marketing.” And Imperial wants to reward Tommy by making him their new spokesperson.
Once Tommy is done serving his four months at a Nebraska state detention center he will be signed to a 3 year contract at $1.5 million dollars per year. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 05-21-2005 10:49 AM
Rated PG
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-13-2005 07:13 AM
Rated R
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Brownsville,TX sits a huge Mexican.He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers,the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Mexican.Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?" At this the massive Mexican leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the shit out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stoolHe proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot and returning
to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Mexican.
"I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the big Mexican replied, "Something about a job."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2005 10:29 AM
Rated G Harry
WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately ----"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-05-2005 11:53 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Penis List
* The Absolut Vodka penis: It's absolut' perfection.
* The Alkaseltzer penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz... Oh, what a relief it is...
* The All-State penis: You're in good hands.
* The American Express penis: Don't leave home without it.
* The AOL penis: It's so easy to use, no wonder it's #1?
* The AT&T penis: Reach out and touch someone.
* The Avis penis: Trying harder than ever.
* The Barney penis: It says "I love you!"
* The Beatles penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
* The Beavis penis: Look! it's changing color!
* The Beef penis: It's what's for dinner.
* The Bic Lighter penis: Go ahead flick my bic!
* The Big Red penis: It's longer with big red.
* The Borden penis: It's GOT to be good.
* The Bounty penis: The quicker picker-upper.
* The Budweiser penis: This bud's for you!
* The Burger King penis: Have it your way..
* The C&C music factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
* The California Lotto penis: Who's next?
* The Calloway Putter penis: It will improve your stroke.
* The Cambells soup penis: Mmm mmm good!
* The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
* The Champion penis: The official penis of the '96 U.S.A olympic team.
* The Charmin double roll penis: It lasts longer because it is longer.
* The Chevy penis: Like a rock.
* The Chips Ahoy penis: Betcha bite a chip. (huh?)
* The Cinnamon Toast Crunch penis: Its the adult thing to do.
* The Citibank visa penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
* The CNN Sports Illustrated penis: As interactive as you can get without getting bruised.
* The Cobain penis: It blows itself away.
* The Coca Cola penis: Always the Real Thing.
* The Crest penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
* The Dairy Queen penis: Hot eats, cool treats (we treat you right)
* The Dial penis: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
* The Diet Pepsi penis: You got the right one, baby.
* The Diet Coke penis: Just for the taste of it...
* The Dodge Neon penis: There's a "lot more to love!"
* The Domino's Pizza penis: Delivers in 30 minutes or less!
* The Doublemint penis: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
* The Doublemint penis: Chewing really satisfies.
* The Energizer penis: It keeps going and going...
* The Erricson Cell Phone penis: Whip out your little one.
* The Equal penis: Tastes like Sugar.
* The Excedrin penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
* The Extra penis: Lasts an extra extra extra long time!
* The Flintstone's Vitamins penis: 10 million strong and growing!
* The Ford penis: The best never rest.
* The Franks Red Hot Sauce penis: It's the oooh without the ouch.
* The Frosted Flakes penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
* The Fruit-by-the Foot penis: Need I say more?
* The FTD penis: Some of life's best moments come FTD.
* The General Electric penis: We bring good things to life!
* The Generic penis: One size fits all.
* The George of the Jungle penis: Watch out for that....tree?
* The Gillette penis: The best a man can get.
* The GMC Envoy penis: It's the real mcCoy.
* The GMC Yukon penis: Beautifully designed. Powerfully built. Genetically engineered.
* The Hardees Breakfast penis: Rise and shine.
* The Helene Zinn penis: You can't eat that!!!
* The Insinkerator Disposal penis: The choice of 9 out of 10 professionals.
* The Jell-O penis: Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle...
* The Jewel penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
* The Jolly Green *Giant* penis: Self-explanatory
* The Juicy Fruit penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
* The Just For Men penis: A sure thing for a natural look.
* The Kix penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
* The Knick Knack Patty Wack penis: This old man comes rolling home!!
* The Lays penis: Betcha can't eat just one!
* The Life penis: Mikey likes it.
* The Life Call penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
* The Little Caesar's penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
* The Lucky Charms penis: They're magically delicious!
* The Luv's penis: It'll take a load off your mind.
* The Macintosh penis: It does more,it costs less,it's that simple.
* The Magnavox penis: Smart. Very Smart.
* The McDonald's penis: Over 8 billion served.
* The McDonald's penis: Have you had your break today?
*The MCI penis: For friends and family!
* The Men's Healthy Magazine penis: It's a perfect fit.
* The MicroMachines penis: A whole world, in the palm your hand.
* The Microsoft penis: Where do you want to go today?
* The Milk penis: It does a body good!
* The Miller Lite penis: Great taste, less filling.
* The M&M penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!
* The Monty Python penis II: "Every sperm is sacred...."
* The Mortal Kombat penis: Nothing can prepare you.
* The NBA on TNT penis: Ever want something so bad it hurts?
* The New York Lotto penis: Cause hey - you never know.
* The Newport penis: It's alive with pleasure.
* The Nike penis: Just do it.
* The Nintendo penis: Now you're playing with power.
* The Nuprin penis: Little, Yellow, Different.
* The Nyquil penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny nose, itching, burning, so you can't rest penis.
* The Oasics Running Shoe penis: There's one less excuse to skip a day.
* The Payday penis: Its almost totally nuts!
* The Phillips MOM penis: It's always stimulant free.
* The Pillsbury Flour penis: It comes plain or self rising.
* The Pizza Hut penis: Makin' it great.
* The Pontiac penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps!
* The Portofino Bay penis: Extraordinary. Exciting. Exceptional.
* The Post Selects Cereal penis: Not everything that goes into "Post Selects" fits.
* The Power of Cheese penis: Just saying it is enough to make you smile.
* The Pringles penis: Once you pop, you can't stop...
* The Psychic penis: It knows you are coming before you do..
* The Purdue penis: More meat, less bone.
* The Ragu penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
* The Reach Toothbrush penis: It cleans hard to reach places.
* The Reese's penis: How do you eat your penis?
* The Rice Krispies penis: what does your penis say to you?
* The Right Guard penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
* The Robitussin penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
* The Robutussin penis: Recommended by Dr. Mom...
* The Sanka penis: Good to the last drop!
* The Sears penis: Come see the softer side.
* The Secret penis: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
* The Sega penis: PENIS!
* The Siskel & Ebert penis: 2 thumbs up...
* The Slim Fast penis: Helps you loose weight, makes you feel great.
* The Snickers penis: It satisfies you.
* The Speed Stick Ultimate penis: It kills 99% of odor-causing germs for 24 hours.
* The Springmaid penis: Makes you snore like a lady.
* The Sprite penis: Image is nothing... Taste is everything.
* The Starburst penis: The juice is loose!
* The Star Trek penis: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
* The Subaru All Wheel Drive penis: You can put it where the sun don't shine.
* The Taco Bell penis: Get some; make a run for the border!
* The Sustecal penis : More protein, less fat !
* The Timex penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.......
* The Tombstone penis: What would you like on your penis?
* The Tootsie Roll Pop penis: How many licks DOES it take ...?
* The Toyota penis: I love what you do for me!
* The Toyota penis: Oh,what a feeling.
* The Transformers penis: It's more than meets the eye.
* The Twizzler penis: It makes mouths happy.
* The Uncle Sam penis: We want you.
* The Viagra penis: It lets the dance begin.
* The Virginia Slims penis: You've come a long way, baby!
* The Wendy's penis: Where's the beef?
* The Wendy's penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
* The Wizard of Oz penis: "Oh my!"
* The Yellow Pages penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
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