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Author
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Topic: SEX
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-09-2006 07:48 AM
Rated X Bruce
Fake Orgasm Check List
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she has been reading. If she says "Oh, I was reading that", then she was faking it.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, then she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her personal stereo.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmmmm you were wonderful", then she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop", then she isn't.
However, if she says "Don't stop" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-26-2006 09:49 PM
Rated XXX ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
SIX TYPES OF SEX
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
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LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this is ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
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QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
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CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man
looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,I'm
getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
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WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly an d said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ... he could fly.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2006 10:27 AM
Rated R
A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon - much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird kept a running commentary on their lovemaking.
The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit.
The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase. "Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said,
"Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try."
At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-08-2006 03:17 PM
Rated X Jimbo
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it...... Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or ... we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative... So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said: "That was a big mistake, Frank...... That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said: "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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