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Author
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Topic: SEX
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-16-2005 06:48 PM
Rated XXX ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant
A. Marry it.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur traders.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom's apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running cunt
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"
Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-16-2005 06:58 PM
Rated XXX
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.
Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.
Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"
Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.
Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.
Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.
Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter
Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving
Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.
Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.
Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2005 09:24 AM
Rated XX
My friend Gary was sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-13-2005 07:24 PM
Rated XXX ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
WHERE BABIES COME FROM
One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl then explained, "Well ... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies come from."
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from ... that's where jewelry comes from."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-17-2005 12:51 PM
Rated XX
An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know now!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "Then I reckon you'll just have to sleep with her again!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-19-2005 11:08 AM
Rated XXX
Three couples (friends) travel together to a resort hotel, only to find that their reservations have been screwed up, and they all have to stay in one room. There are 2 king-sized beds, and it is decided that the men will all sleep in one, and the women in the other. In the middle of the night, the guy in the middle wakes up, and says to the man next to him, "Let me out. I have GOT to get to my wife! I have the biggest hard-on I have ever had, and I've got to get to her NOW!"
The other guy says, "O.K. Do you want me to come with you?"
"What the hell for?" asks the other.
"Because that's MY dick you're holding!" says he.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-20-2005 02:53 PM
Rated R
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"
"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."
"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"
"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....
"I'm going to have a puppy!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-23-2005 10:46 AM
Rated XXX
There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.
After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlor and had it done immediately.
Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return.
The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.
While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him.
"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?"
The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says,
"Well mine says, `WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'" ....
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-23-2005 10:50 AM
Rated XXX ![[Wink]](wink.gif) The Facts Of Life
A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:
F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.
S: What do you mean, Dad?
F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
S: What do other women say?
F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
S: And what does mother say?
F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."
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