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Author
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Topic: SEX
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-18-2005 10:09 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
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2. Gentle,relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
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3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
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4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body.It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
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5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression.It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
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6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered.The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
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7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
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8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
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9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
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10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.
If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.You will eventually become celibate,and your genitals will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?).Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.
Do not keep this message.This message mustleave your e-mail in 96 hours.Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days.
Since the copy must tour the world,you must send it.This is true,even if you are not superstitious. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 01-24-2005, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 01-21-2005 03:53 PM
Rated PG to remain abreast of posting regulations
A lady friend writes…..
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again someday
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-01-2005 10:41 AM
Rated R
Sadly neglected by her husband, a horny housewife turned to her next-door neighbor for advice.
"Why don't you order your milk from the milkman," was the suggestion, "and when the bill comes, see if you can settle it with sex."
This seemed like an excellent idea, and sure enough, when the bill was presented, the milkman was delighted to settle for a long and energetic screw. Putting his pants back on, the milkman reached for the bill to mark it "Paid in Full"
"Oh, no you don't," said the housewife, grabbing the bill. "You brought me this milk a quart at a time, and that's the way I'm gonna pay for it."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-04-2005 11:59 AM
Rated PG Michele
Top 20 Reasons Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex (For Phil)
20. No matter how much whiskey you have, you can still fish.
19. A limp rod is still useful while fishing.
18. You don't have to hide your fishing magazines.
17. It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to fish with you once in a while.
16. The Ten Commandments don't say anything about fishing.
15. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14. Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with a long time ago.
13. It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
12. When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
11. If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
10. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you fish by yourself.
9. When dealing with a fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8. You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy fishing stuff.
7. You can have a fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6. There are no fishing-transmitted diseases.
5. If you want to watch fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4. Nobody expects you to fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3. Nobody expects you to give up fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2. You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1. Your fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just fished last month! Is fishing all you ever think about?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-11-2005 12:29 PM
Rated R Michele
The Top 17 Signs Your Hooker Has a College Education...
17> Try as you might, you can't get a cheaper rate by confusing her with lots of small bills.
16> Not only does she calculate a simple "half and half" to three- sigma accuracy, she then measures your endurance time in picoseconds.
15> "Hey, honey, wanna carbon-date me?"
14> After promising a rendezvous that'll "blow your mind," she spends the next hour debunking Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
13> That damn mortarboard keeps poking you in the eye.
12> She knocks off the Times crossword puzzle while waiting for you to get it up again.
11> When you request the standard deviation, she asks you for the sample group.
10> "Due to local market conditions and the principles of supply- side economics as outlined by Say's Law, it's $CPI*sqrt(DJIA)* (annualized per-capita income)*(2.5E-8), and when adjusted according to the Consumer Price Index for Urban Wage Earners from Q3-03 to present and taking into account geographic variation in costs, it'll come to $28.73 -- same as in town."
9> She talks dirty in Urdu.
8> Points out that your tequila binge is *nauseous*, while you are actually *nauseated*.
7> She doesn't undress, she deconstructs.
6> Allows you to pay up by bouncing quarters into her purse.
5> Never works when the Crimson Tide's in town.
4> Condoms? Check. Breath mints? Check. Pamphlet explaining how heterosexual intercourse is rape and the notion of sexual reproduction is a deception maintained by the patriarchy for the purpose of preventing women from ever achieving equity? Uh-oh.
3> This month's special: For $30, she'll do you *and* your taxes.
2> The oral part of her "around the world" is a recitation of every country's capital and major exports.
... and the Number 1 Sign Your Hooker Has a College Education...
1> She was an art history major -- how *else* could she earn a living?
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 02-12-2005 06:09 PM
Rated PG
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming
out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,"
the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit
wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up
four or five times."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-08-2005 10:14 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
MATING SEASON
Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods,all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering,"Wooooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about.
Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.If they get an answer back,it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave,stopped,and hollered,"Woooo! Wooooo!Wooooo!"
Immediately,there was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some really big,fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation,and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face,he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
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NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
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